Lost on the IF Highway

Lost and Lonely October 28, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Lost on the IF Highway @ 9:28 PM

I can’t really get into the details, but the last few weeks have been the worst in my life, the worst in M’s life, and the worst in our relationship beyond a doubt.  I can’t seem to NOT mess things up. Everything I do or say is wrong.  I can’t even begin to explain it all.  I wish I could go back about 13 years or so.  Then again, butterfly effect and all that, but I know for a fact I would not be here!


We haven’t started the BeeFertile yet.  I want us to both make some changes/decision first, and I’m on some meds that I think might screw with my system a bit.  I’ve been dealing with a LOT of depression and I’m on some meds that really mess with me right now.  I pretty much feel high all the time, so I’m waiting until I can either lower the dose or my body gets used to this dosage before we start.


M and I have barely spoken to or seen each other seen Monday.  Life can get so incredibly insane so quickly sometimes.  I’ll keep everyone posted after we start the BeeFertile regimen so you can see how it affects us.  The thing is, I want to be able to give a real account of how I’m feeling and not mistake the side effects of my meds with the side effects of the BeeFertile, so I just think it’s best if we wait.  Thanks for your patience.


In the open… October 20, 2011

Filed under: BeeFertile,Family,Marriage — Lost on the IF Highway @ 11:24 PM

OK. I have to admit it’s kind of nice now that M knows about the blog.  He is a very private person, so I know he doesn’t want me sharing his “business” online, so I will try my best to leave him out of my one-sided conversations when I can, but at this point, this is still my only real source of support concerning my infertility so I just can’t bring myself to let it go and I know that M understands that I need a place I can go for IF support.  Now that he knows about it, I feel a little liberated, and maybe through the blog I will be able to explain things in a way that I may not be able to in other ways.

Even though IF is fairly common (more so than I realized), it’s not like there ‘s someone on every other street corner willing to talk about it.  At least here no one knows who I am and I have never met any of you either.  It makes it so much easier to be candid (and sometimes a little blunt) about how I’m feeling.  I NEED that, and I have no problem whatsoever with M reading (and even editing) my blog.  But I really do need to maintain this source of support, so I’m going to keep blogging throughout my journey, or until I just run out of things to say….  I know when M reads that particular comment that he will know at that point that I will probably have this blog until I die because I never run out of things to say! Haha!

I came to the blog today because I’m having a really bad day and the blog always seems to lift my spirits. I particularly enjoy reading Jackie, Autumn, and Rain’s blogs/comments because they always remind me that I’m not alone and that there are women out there who are happy with their lives, despite IF.

My shipment of BeeFertile should be here any day now.  Even though things have been rocky lately, I’m still excited.  And I’m not even excited for the reasons I thought I would be.  Mostly, I’m excited for the change.  I’m excited to be doing something, anything that could improve my chances of having a baby someday, even if it’s not right away.  And I’ve been doing even MORE research on the ingredients and they seem to be beneficial in so many other ways, besides the fertility benefits.  This is one of my main sources of enthusiasm.  I’m looking forward to the “unintended” benefits of the extra vitamins, minerals, and nutrients.  The truth is, I’ve had “female” problems for so long, and my doctor has said a million times that I should look into natural ways to help take care of some of those issues.  I honestly believe that the issues I’ve been facing are a contributing factor to our IF, although my doctor hasn’t ever truly agreed with me on that point.  I know that a lot of the ingredients in BeeFertile are beneficial for overall women’s health, so that is a strong motivator for me right now, in addition to the intended benefits.

In the last week, I have also come to terms with the fact that a pregnancy is probably not in my very near future.  As you all know, IF takes a huge toll on relationships, not just the relationship with your partner but also your relationships with your friends/family.  As I have discovered, it even screws with the relationships I have with my co–workers (like the moody bundle of pregnant hormones I work with right now).  In light of this, I have had to sort of find my center and come to terms with the fact that it could be years before we have a baby and maybe, just maybe, we won’t have a baby at all.  I’m not okay with that. Don’t get me wrong. I haven’t given up, but I’m less stressed about it, for the meantime at least.  I have to be, because it was starting to take a major toll on my relationships.  I still want a baby with everything that is within me. I don’t go a single moment in my day without thinking about how badly I want to be a mother, but I’ll be okay if it doesn’t happen for another year or two.

The plan, for now, is to start with the 90-day BeeFertile kit.  After that, I told M that if he doesn’t like it he doesn’t have to do it, but I want to keep doing it myself.  It will take some grand financial scheming on my part, because money is pretty tight right now, but even if we took a break on “trying” and just chose to “relax” for a while (like everyone keeps telling me to do), I think I would still want to take it.  If for nothing else, I believe it can’t possibly hurt to improve my reproductive health, because I really do want to have children and there’s no harm in doing everything I can to insure that my body is ready for it when/if  we do get pregnant.  Think of all the women who accidentally became pregnant and their bodies were just as unprepared as they were.  We don’t use any birth control whatsoever.  There’s nothing that says we might not get pregnant by “accident”, and if we are so blessed with a “happy accident” I want to be prepared.

And by the way, people who tell couples facing IF to “just relax” are just ignorant!  I really want to clamp jumper cables onto their asses and tell them to “just relax”.


A bump in the road… October 9, 2011

Filed under: Just Life,Marriage,Spiritual — Lost on the IF Highway @ 3:09 PM

Well, I have royally screwed up this time.  M found out about the blog, and in doing so, he found out that I was still hiding things about my past…  This isn’t the first time my past came back to bite me in the ass.  Last year, he found out I had hid the truth about a guy I slept with right before he and I met.  And I’ve hidden guy friends from him before too (ones I didn’t sleep with).  It’s really hard to explain and probably even harder to understand….

In a nutshell, I grew up “in church” – Pentecostal.  There, I had a list of rules and a whole bunch of people dictating who I was and telling me exactly how to live my life.  When I moved away to the city for college, I lost control. I went really wild.  I slept around, drank (a lot), and even tried drugs.  I never wanted M to know any of that. By the time I moved back home (about a year before M and I started dating), I needed a fresh start. I wanted to leave my old life behind so I went back to church looking for someone to tell me it would be alright and hand me a list of rules that would help me feel whole again.  It didn’t work out that way. I was shunned, and there was no one willing to be my conscience anymore. I had to figure it out on my own, and it wasn’t easy.  I made some mistakes along they way.  When I finally let M into my life, that nagging feeling of emptiness and confusion finally left.  It’s not like meeting him helped me to figure it all out, but M gave me a reason to live. He made me want to be a better person, and he gave me a vision of how good my life could be.  From that point on, I wanted to just forget my past had ever happened.  I wanted to walk away from that part of my life, erasing it from my past. All I could think about was moving forward in my life, with M by my side.  It’s like repentance.  When you repent to God, He throws your sins in the sea of forgetfulness – He forgets your sins and you can start over as if they never happened.  That’s what I wanted for my life, and until recently I thought I was almost there – at the point where my past was gone and all I had to worry about was my future.

I was wrong. For some reason, the guilt of my past just got to be too much one day last month and  I published a post about how I felt my past was why we couldn’t have a baby. I was afraid I was being punished for my past, and for not telling M all about it.  I got distracted yesterday while tinkering with the features on the blog and left myself logged in. M came home and found it, and he not only read it, but he misunderstood some of what I said.  I told him the one story that I had been hiding all these years, about a night that I snorted some crushed up pills at a party and (could have) slept with someone, but I don’t really remember anything that happened after I did the pills.  He doesn’t believe that’s all there is to the story, with good reason.  This isn’t the first time I’ve hidden things from him.  It was my most shameful memory, mostly because of  the drugs and who I was with.  Don’t get me wrong, I was a slut back in the day, but my 8 people is not near as bad as some people.  However, this particular guy in this particular setting seemed (to me) to be the worst possible thing I could ever admit to.  That’s why it was the only thing I had left to hide from my husband.  Granted, I don’t even remember a huge chunk of the things I did when I lived in the city.  There were way too many crazy parties and way too much alcohol, but it would take me a lifetime to tell the story of every party and every stupid thing I did.  I didn’t think that was necessary.  I already knew when I got with M that he would never stay with me if he knew everything, and at the time, I didn’t think the past was important.  I am not that girl anymore. I know who I am now. I know what I want, and I don’t want that lifestyle.  I don’t want to be that person.  I thought I could move on with M in my life and forget about all of that.  It’s this damn baby issue that even brought it all out to begin with, the feeling that I’m barren because I’m being punished for my past.

M is really hurt, and he’s really mad about the blog, not that I had a blog as much as the fact that I hid it from him. I know we will work this out, because our love is stronger than this.  M is an amazing man with a huge heart.  I know he deserves better. I’m just trying really hard to be what he needs.  I’ve fought with those feelings of inadequacy for so long, and this definitely does not help.  I know I’ll never be as good as him, as good as he deserves.  That’s why I hid my past from him to begin with.  All I’ve ever wanted is for my past to go away so we can be happy together.  I wish he could understand that the girl I was and the woman I am are two different people.  The hardest part is that I can’t change the things that have already happened.  Hell, I can’t even remember everything that happened back then, much less change it.

I hope this doesn’t hurt our chances of participating in the BeeFertile study.  I’m not sure what will happen with the blog. That’s up to M, I suppose, but we really, really need help conceiving and this is our last chance.  We’ll still be able to send emails to BeeFertile to track our progress… Rain, Autumn, & Jackie -thank you for keeping up with me. I will find you on your blogs and let you know how to reach me if you want to stay in touch, just in case I have to stop the blog.


Don’t Be a Dumbass October 6, 2011

Filed under: Infertility — Lost on the IF Highway @ 11:03 PM

Don’t Be a Dumbass.

Things you should NEVER say to a woman who is struggling to get pregnant!!!


Drowning… September 29, 2011

Filed under: Infertility — Lost on the IF Highway @ 10:12 PM

I’m drowning in pregnant bitches!!!  I CAN’T STAND IT!  Let me think.. There’s my hubby’s ex (who consequently is also my friend-weird, huh?), My paraplegic friend, My friend from high school, my team leader, the regional coordinator for my Relay for Life, My friend’s daughter-in-law, my nephew’s child development case worker, and there’s at least one more but there are so many that I’ve lost track.  They are ALL pregnant. Most of them are due in March/April.  I’m just so… so… pissed, depressed, confused, frustrated… I’m just PISSED.  I’m mad at the whole world right now!  Why them?  A paraplegic? Are you SERIOUS?  Oh! My M-I-L’s boss is prego with her paraplegic husband.  Yah. Must be nice to have the finances  to afford to have his sperm extracted and to have IVF, and for it to work THE FIRST TIME??? Common!

God hates me!  That’s just all there is to it! God is pissed off at me and I just don’t know what to do.  I can barely stand to go to work and work side-by-side with this woman every day. She’s about 3 months now and she’s starting to get a little baby bump and it’s “so cute” it makes me puke, almost literally – but she is one BITCHY-ASS pregnant lady!  She was in a really bad mood yesterday and today and I had to say something before I killed her.  She bitched all day yesterday and today she snapped at me twice in the my first ten mintues there. She was griping about having to get up an hour early today (which is the same time I get up EVERY DAY), and she got 10 hours of sleep last night!  I got TWO HOURS of sleep last night, and she got off 2.5 hours early today while I still had to work.  To add insult to injury, she left me with a ton of work to get done in that time and I barely got it done before I left.  She blames it on being pregnant – says that the hormones mess with her moods, but I’m not going to be treated like this for the next six months!  It’s bad enough that I have to be around all these pregnant women all the time, but then the one I spend the most time with blames all of her problems on her pregnancy when I would trade her in a millisecond!  I think I’m starting to hate her!

Well, I don’t want to be a bitch anymore, so I’m going to call it a night, after I put M’s laundry in the dryer… I’m going to email BeeFertile and hope for better news – although I’m really not optimistic because I just got my ER bill.  Even after my discount, I owe them $324 for a shot in the ass, a misdiagnosis, and a prescription for a $4 antibiotic!  MY doctor is the one who made it better, not the ER.  Too bad they don’t give refunds for a misdiagnosis, huh?

Spider bite almost completely healed!

It's getting better!


Forgiveness September 24, 2011

Filed under: Infertility,Spiritual — Lost on the IF Highway @ 3:24 PM

I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that God is forgiving, and that He is able to do anything we ask.  I just have a hard time believing that he is willing to do it.  I know that God has forgiven me for my past.  It’s not as bad as I make it sound, but for someone like me, it’s really bad.  I grew up believing that slipping out a curse word, or even wearing pants would send me straight to Hell, so sleeping around my second year of college and then lying to my husband about my past, that’s punishable by death in my world!

I know the Bible says all we have to do is ask for forgiveness and turn away from our sins and we are forgiven, but it also says we will reap what we sew.  That’s where my spirituality and my reality collide.  I think I’m reaping what I’ve sewn. I think we’re facing IF because of my past, or at least because I’ve kept my past a secret from my family and my husband.  I dunno. Maybe only part of me believes that.  After all, the Bible doesn’t say that keeping secrets is a sin, but then again, what is sin?  It’s not like God spelled that one out for us.  I mean, there are the Ten Commandments, but beyond that, He doesn’t really expound on the subject.  I kind of believe that the person defines the sin.  For instance, some people believe polygamy is not a sin, because “in God’s eyes” they are married to all of the people they are sleeping with and are therefore not committing adultery.  I mean, that’s how several people in the Bible “rolled”, isn’t it?  Others believe sleeping with more than one person, EVER in your life, is adultery – whether you’re married at the time or not.  They believe that you are “bound” to every person you ever have sex with, whether you’re legally married or not.  I suppose those are just the two extremes.  I’ll bet that most of us believe somewhere in the middle of all that.  I know I do.  My point is, what may be a sin for me (based on my own spiritual beliefs and convictions) may not be a sin for someone else, and visa-verse.  I grew up going to church with a family who all believed it was a sin to eat pork.  Almost no one else in our church believed that way.  In fact, the church hosted a huge hog roast every year for Labor Day, but to that small family, eating pork was a sin. I honestly believe that God would judge them for eating pork and that they would need to ask forgiveness if they did so, and would also have to reap the consequences.  However, if I chose to eat a BLT, I wouldn’t have to ask forgiveness and there would be no consequences for me, because it’s not a sin for me.

All of that said, in short, I believe that sleeping with the 10 or so people that I slept with in my younger days was a sin because I wasn’t married to them and pretty much had no intention of ever marrying any of them (well, with maybe 1 or 2 exceptions).  I’ve asked for forgiveness, and I believe that God has forgiven me.  I was honest with my husband (to an extent) by telling him that I was not a virgin when we started dating, but he doesn’t know everyone I’ve been with.  I tried to tell him once, but as soon as we started talking about it, I could see how uneasy it made him so I just gave up.  I was afraid that he wouldn’t stick around if he found out how many there were and who they were.  I’ve kept that secret for nearly 8 years now, and I don’t want to ruin my marriage over stuff that happened 10 years ago, but wait!  There’s that “reaping” part.  I always forget about that part when I’m begging God for forgiveness.  Just because He forgives, doesn’t mean that the wheels of fate are not already turning toward my punishment!  Even the forgiven must reap what they sew I suppose.

I have no clue why I’m even blogging about all of this. I suppose it’s just a way for me to work it out in words, since playing it out in my mind doesn’t seem to work…  It’s so hard already, not knowing if I’m “broken,” and feeling like my husband is holding us back from ever discovering the “problem”.  It could be him. It could be me. It could be both of us, or nothing at all.  Maybe part of me is scared to find out.  It’s like someone with cancer not going to the doctor because they’d rather die than hear the bad news.  Maybe I’m part of what is keeping us from moving forward.  Maybe I’m afraid to hear it too.


Article about BeeFertile… September 20, 2011

Filed under: BeeFertile — Lost on the IF Highway @ 4:35 PM

I found this article about BeeFertile this afternoon and just thought I would share it.  Yes, it’s obviously a promo article for the product so I’m not ignorant to the motivation behind it.  However, with very little information out there about the product, I feel it’s always nice to find every little bit of info you can find.  This article gives some names and little facts about the history of the product.  Here’s a link to the article…