ccg13

Lost on the IF Highway

Lost, Alone, and Infertile May 10, 2011

Filed under: Infertility,Money — Lost on the IF Highway @ 8:10 AM

I’ve been fighting this battle for four and a half years. At this point, I really thought I would have more support, or that my husband would have improved his attitude at least a little bit.  I think everything is just getting worse.

I brought up In-vitro fertilization (IVF) to my husband last night.  First, he said, “What’s that?”  I reminded him of what a couple we know is going through right now with IVF (because the husband is paralyzed) and explained that it would be easier for us because his sperm would not have to be extracted.  His response was, “Hell, I think adoption would be cheaper! I’m sure those treatments cost a ton of money and we can’t afford that!”  I said, “You don’t even know how much it costs and you’re already writing it off.  That’s not fair.”  What’s really not fair is that he is running in SIX demo derbies this year.  He showed me last night that just ONE of his cars is going to cost about $2500 for the ENGINE ALONE.  The other thing is, my sister and her toddler live with us, and my sister is very ill-equipped to take care of her son.  We have vied for her to leave him to us and just move out for years, but she won’t.  She’s getting ready to get her own place and she just recently got a job (finally – She starts work today in fact).  He seems to think that when she gets out, she will realize she can’t hack it and will give her son to us.  That would be GREAT, because I know it would be better for the child, but I still want a baby of my own. That will NEVER change.

I went to my friend’s house to support HER the other night after she had a terrible week and I ended up being the one to break down crying over this whole infertility thing.  I told her that THIS WEEK is my last “good” week before I turn 30 years old this coming Sunday.  She really didn’t have much advice other than, “I wish I knew someone who had some leftover Chlomid. I’d steal it for you if I had to.”  Everyone just assumes right off that it’s me. It very well could be, but I’m thinking it could go either way.  My husband has a lot of… “symptoms” that lead me to believe he could also have problems. We both could, and that scares the crap out of me!

I was talking to his mother yesterday.  As a disclaimer before I tell this story, I will explain that I’m closer to her than my own mother.  I was telling her that we actually had sex with a bunch of pillows under my bum while I basically meditated to try to relax and keep all the “stuff” from coming out. THEN, I laid there FOREVER without moving before awkwardly trying to get dressed while lying there. THEN, I slept with the pillows under me, on my back, the rest of the night. In a way, this is all very funny, and I know this, so I’m not mad at the people who are reading this and laughing right now.  However, it’s also embarrassing and depressing. Why is it that the crack head that lives in the trailer park can get pregnant with no problems whatsoever, treat her kids like crap, and walk around with 15 of them?  In the meantime, I am 30 FREAKING YEARS OLD, am in good health (as far as we can tell), would KILL to have a baby of my own, and I have to have sex like I’m training for Circ de Sole just for the CHANCE to get pregnant!  My mother-in-law’s answer was, “Well, you need to not even try to get dressed.  Just do exactly what you did, but then sleep naked. Don’t even MOVE the rest of the night”… For some reason, that wasn’t the advice I expected, though I should have expected it.

On the “brighter side” (if you want to call it that) my friend did tell me that I needed to just go ahead and make the “go in a cup” appointment for my husband without him and just force him, con him, or bribe him to go.  I’m planning on doing that today. I’m thinking some “fun sex” will be in order for him, because that’s probably the only thing that will get him to go.

By the way, can ANYONE give me an estimate on how much IVF actually does cost?

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