I’m trying VERY hard NOT to get my hopes up! It’s so hard not to but I find that I handle disappoint so much better if I am just prepared to be disappointed! Here’s what’s going on… I usually run a 27-day cycle. Technically, today should be Day 2 of what I call my “June” cycle (my third cycle since I started from scratch with my doctor). But I still haven’t started my period. Part of me wants to jump up and down (and be careful not to harm what could potentially be living in my belly). Another part of me is SCREAMING, “DO NOT get your hopes up. You can’t possibly be pregnant. You’ve only been trying for two months on this new regimen and you’ve been trying for FIVE years. You’d be crazy to get your hopes up.”
I’m afraid to tell anyone. The only people who know are two of my best friends, my SIL (C) and M. C said I have had all the same symptoms she had when she was first pregnant and didn’t know it yet. I’m short of breath, get winded easily, have irregular heartbeat, loss of appetite, paranoid like crazy, peeing a lot, and having strange cravings. I have gone through over 1/2 a bottle of Heinz 57 in the last week! There are two things that are very wrong with that: 1) I have never bought Heinz 57 in my life before last week, and 2) I never ever eat the same thing more than twice in a row. I can’t stand eating the same thing over and over. Ask my husband, who eats the same thing for lunch almost every day.
I’m SO PARANOID that I miscounted my days. In May, I didn’t write down Day 1 on my little chart right away. I have a chart where I calculate every single day of my cycle and record everything from my BBT, to my OVT reading, to my mucus consistency. I usually never forget to write anything down, but in May I didn’t write down which day was Day 1 until a few days later. I have it recorded as being May 24th. I’m almost certain that is correct, because I distinctly remember thinking “Man, I would have to start on my mom’s birthday!” My sister (S) and I had to go somewhere that night.. my friend’s visitation, and I forgot to call my mother that day and wish her happy birthday because I was so preoccupied with Steven’s visitation/funeral. I had to read a poem at the funeral and I was really worried about it. He was young, and his parents are our very dear friends so I was really worked up. When I woke up, I realized I was starting my period, which made the day even harder. As if it wasn’t emotional enough, but I get REALLY bitchy when Aunt Flo visits! I ALWAYS have 27-day cycles. If I start on a Tuesday in May you can bet I will start on a Monday in June. So, I’m 99.9999999% sure I started on May 24th and should have started on June 20th. That’s better accuracy than a pregnancy test!
Speaking of pregnancy tests, this is one reason I am very doubtful and borderline depressed over this whole thing. I’ve taken two pregnancy tests in the last two days. Both came back negative, and they were the Clear Blue digital tests, not the cheap $1 tests from Dollar General. I won’t buy my tests from DG because S works there and I don’t generally share this kind of information with my sister. If you’ve read my other entries you can clearly understand that we don’t have that kind of open relationship. We can barely get through a day without wanting to kill each other.
So, what’s my next step? How much is a blood test at the doctor? That’s the only thing I can think to do, but I don’t want to go there and feel like a complete idiot if I’m not pregnant.
Here’s the rundown:
- I pee ALL THE TIME. I didn’t think this happened until later on, but I’ve been doing it a LOT.
- I had all those crazy symptoms during my ovulation week (fever, lower back pain, hip pain, extreme shortness of breath, irregular heartbeat, really high pulse/heart rate, etc.
- I’ve been eating Heinz 57 like they’re discontinuing the recipe or something.
- My husband said I’ve been walking funny. I don’t see it but he says I’ve been “waddling”.
- I’m tired ALL THE TIME. I could sleep all day if M and G would let me!
- I’m two days late for my period. I haven’t been late in over three years.
- My nipples hurt. In fact, come to think of it, I kind of hurt all over.
- However, I have had two BFN’s in the last couple of days. Why would they come up negative on Day 2 of my “cycle” (that hasn’t come yet)?
I don’t want to talk to my mother about it, because we aren’t close and I don’t think she would be supportive. She never even really wanted me to get married or have children. She wanted me to be “smarter than she was” – more independent, my own woman. She didn’t help with the wedding, she has always favored my little sister over me, and she won’t be willing to help with the baby. Furthermore, after the “mole” incident when my sister delivered G, I really don’t want her around. I’d rather she just kept her distance overall. She brings out the worst in me, well, S brings out the worst in me. My mother comes in 2nd. I would talk to my MIL (B) about it, but B’s wanted us to have a baby for SO LONG that I’m afraid to get her hopes up. I think she would be more devastated than we would if I wasn’t pregnant. My FIL (J) is disabled and his cardiologist doesn’t think he will live more than two years. He could, if he would quit smoking, but J is one of these that just refuses to believe that smoking has anything to do with his heart failing. He associates smoking with lung disease, not heart disease, and he seems to breathe okay, except for when his heart gives him fits! (haha). So, B’s worried that their grandchildren won’t remember him. SJ will, because she is already 10 years old, but E (M’s neice) and our kids won’t, not if he only lives for two more years. M and I are kind of on our own out here.
I hope that ya’ll understand, now, why I’m constantly asking your advice instead of asking my friends/family. I just don’t feel like I CAN ask them. M and I really have had to keep a lot of this to ourselves. This blog is the only place where I feel I can be 100% honest w/a very limited filter (changing the names for instance). Thank you so much for reading and replying. Jackie has been an angel! She’s my one true follower, but thanks to everyone. You have no idea how much I love that I am able to share and read your blogs as well!
M is working a double shift. It’s 3am here and I’m still wide awake (one of the perks of not working right now I suppose). He will be home at 7am, and if I stay up late, I can sleep in with him a little bit tomorrow (or today I guess). PLEASE keep us in your prayers. It would be WONDERFUL if our IF battle ended here!