I know the title of this post is crazy. You’ll get it if you read to the end… I’ll be the first to admit I can sometimes be a hateful, bitter, bitch. I am definitely more pessimistic than optimistic most days. I think it’s one of my greatest faults as a human being. So many people have influenced me to try to be a better person, but I sometimes wonder if it’s just a part of my genetic make-up that I cannot change. I’m not one to spend hours on my knees in prayer. I don’t often go out of my way to be nice to someone, although I would count myself as generous. I just don’t focus my life on trying to save people’s souls, I don’t work in a soup kitchen or homeless shelter, and I don’t do much charity work. I’m usually too busy trying to keep my own life together. I cuss way too much. I’m sometimes rude and bossy. I’m too hard on my husband’s adopted daughter (my stepdaughter, SJ). I have given up trying to get along with certain family members, my sister in particular. I’ve sworn off my biological father and have even wished he would die before. I’m just a TERRIBLE person! To be honest, this whole IF thing has only made it worse and I am just so sick of feeling so negative and grouchy all the time. It’s like I’m constantly suffering from PMS! Granted, I’m not mean to everyone; I do work with Relay for Life, and I do want a career that is fulfilling and meaningful where I can be of help to people, but the majority of my days I just feel like I’m a hateful, terrible person.
I’ve been trying to think of ways to fix all the negativity in my life. My mother’s advice is to give up on the “baby thing” because it’s “undo stress” that I don’t need. She doesn’t get that I DO need it! It’s the one thing I want more than anything in my life. I grew up in a church where God, the church, and family were THE MOST important things in my life. I grew up living for other people and their rules, so I shy away from a religious answer. Yes. I do feel I should pray more, cuss less, and be nicer, but I just shy away from believing that church is the answer. I think if I really work at it I can make this change on my own…
I really thought I was pregnant this time. I haven’t missed a period or had a late period in years. I’ve been feeling sick and just… weird. I’ve had some of the “symptoms”. I really, really thought this could be it! I didn’t have a single cramp or a spike in temperature like I normally do, nothing. Everything pointed to “pregnant” (except the PT’s of course). I just thought I was one of those women that couldn’t POAS and I would need a blood test, but I wanted to wait another week before I went to the doctor. Good thing I did. I would have looked like a moron if I had gone to the doctor yesterday, because it would have been negative. I started early this morning. Out of nowhere, I woke up to pee (for the millionth time) and when I wiped, there was blood. It wasn’t just a little bit like when my mole was bleeding. It was about the size of a nickel, so I wiped again, another drop, and another. I put a pad on and went back to bed until I woke up feeling like my right ovary was going to explode. That was all I needed. I got up, put in a tampon and got in the shower. I sat in the floor of the shower for probably 20 minutes, just crying and staring at the little bits of face scrub on the shower wall that M didn’t rinse out when he took a shower last night. Other than the pain in my ovary, I still haven’t had any cramps, bloating, or headaches like I usually get. I usually have SEVERE PMS and this time it’s incredibly mild comparably.
I’ll admit it – I’m pissed off! I’m SO ANGRY. I just can’t understand why God chose me to be his little ant under the magnifying glass. I have no job, no baby. I’m feeling incredibly useless, worthless, and just… ANGRY. I don’t want to feel angry. I want to be happy, no matter what life throws at me, like the coupon lady. I took a couponing class the other day and the coupon lady was just so.. happy. She told a story about how her husband got very sick and had to take off work for several months and her family was starving.. and she did it with a smile on her face, giving all the credit to God. She talked about how she prayed and how she knew God would never forsake her and He would give her the wisdom to figure out a way to put food on her family’s table.. and of course HE DID. She started “extreme couponing” and the next thing you know, there’s food on the table, her husband is getting better, and she gives all the credit to God. I wish I could be so positive!!!
So, in my weak attempt to be positive today, I’m trying to think of all the things I was going to miss out on had I been pregnant. I want to count myself “lucky” because I will still be able to do these things this summer… We have a trip to Six Flags scheduled for July 17th. Last year, we went in June and my SIL (C) was about one week pregnant and didn’t know it. She rode the rides and had her fun and THEN she found out a few weeks later she was pregnant and the baby (E) came out just perfect in March of this year… So, I will not miss the rollercoasters……… Demolition Derbies – Well, I have a car sitting in my driveway that I paid $400 for so that I could drive it in the demo derby on August 5th. My husband and I’s first “official” date was on August 6th, 2004. He was driving in the county demo derby and he invited me to come along. I watched with excitement and we hung out until 7am the next morning. Ever since, the derby has been a part of my life. Our entire year centers around the demolition derby. Last year I ran in the compact cars for the first time as a driver (alongside my husband and our friends) and I took 5th place out of 20+ cars. I was hooked! I was gonna have to find someone to drive my car for me this year, or put the car aside for next year, but I don’t have to do that now! Maybe this year I will finish with a trophy or even money!…. And wine trails – Every year we go south to the wine trails for my friend (Chi’s) birthday. She’ll be 35 this year in August. Chi, C, Ti, Tay, and I eat lunch and then drive down south about an hour to visit about 5-6 of the 15 wineries. One in particular has this sangria that I actually start CRAVING this time of year. Then, we go to Red Lobster for dinner and go watch a movie or go shopping before heading home. This year, I don’t have to miss the wine trails.
M and I discussed earlier this week that if I wasn’t pregnant we would buy the BeeFertile and start right away. We wanted to be pregnant by Christmas. I’m thinking I need a break. We have so much going on this summer already, and I will be done with school Sept. 5th. Maybe we could wait about a month, then start taking the BeeFertile. It seems like it takes a minimum of 3 months and a maximum of 9 months for most couples to see results. And I think we’re going to stop the crazy positions, the BBT, the hectic rituals that are living with IF, and just relax for a month or two. We can enjoy our summer. We can start the BeeFertile in July or August and then pick back up with the BBT, the charts, the P’ing OAS all over again. Maybe by then I will have a job (and hopefully some insurance) and there will be less to worry about. And I won’t have to worry about school. Who knows? Maybe S and G will have moved out by then too so that we can FINALLY have the house to ourselves for the first time ever since we first moved in together before we were even married!!! Wouldn’t it be nice to have some alone time before a baby comes?
So, I think that’s the plan. I haven’t cleared it with M yet, but he seems a lot more relaxed over the whole thing than I am anyway. He seems to think he should just start taking testosterone shots and that would help. He’s crazy! And I know that he only wants the shots because he knows it will help to raise his bench and make him “look better”. It has far more to do with his gym regimen than his wish for a baby.
Anyway, so that’s my sad attempt at looking at the brighter side of this whole situation. Actually, this is an amazing feat for me, considering I started today and I am usually the bitch from Hell on the first day of my period. I just hope I can relax and enjoy my summer without thinking about babies too much.