Lost on the IF Highway

Overdue! September 15, 2011

Filed under: Just Life — Lost on the IF Highway @ 11:03 PM

Okay, so I know that’s a slightly masochistic title for an infertility blog, but if I don’t try to find some semblance of humor in my situation I will just be depressed ALL THE TIME, so pardon my dark humor while I try to compose a LONG-overdue update!!!

I don’t even know where to begin… Let’s see…  Well, I’ll just start with school and go from there….

SCHOOL ~ I finished school on Sept. 5th (Labor Day, ironically enough).  (I just wrote about three paragraphs and deleted them. Good Lord.)  Anyway…  I didn’t graduate with honors but I ended with a 3.49 GPA and I guess that’s good enough.  Hell, I’m just glad to be done.  It may only be a BS in Business MGT, but I earned it and I WAS pretty damn proud of it, until my family had to put a damper on it.  I practically had to break down in tears to get my husband to say he was proud of me.  My mother’s response was “That’s great” (in a less-than-enthusiastic tone) when I told her I had just turned in my last paper.  My sister (S) is jealous, when she doesn’t even have the slightest inkling of an interest in college.  S’s greatest ambition is to someday manage the dollar store where she works.  The ONLY person who didn’t have to be reminded I was graduating before saying she was proud of me was my M-I-L (B).  B actually called me a couple of days after I finished school to tell me how proud she was.  My own mother can’t even call me just to say hello, much less for something like that, but my husband’s mother wanted to throw me a party!

My best friend was talking over the summer about how we needed to have a get-together to celebrate my graduation, especially since it will be too expensive and too long a drive for me to attend commencement (I finished the last two years of my degree online).  When I told my husband I wanted to celebrate, he wanted to have a “weenie roast” with “10-20 people” at our house.  That means ME cleaning before and ME cleaning after, and that wasn’t exactly what I’d had in mind.  I wanted to have enough room for both our families and some friends, and his family alone leaves standing room only in our house.  He has a billion aunts, uncles, and cousins, and we’re a really tight family.  I would have to invite them all if I invited one of them.  It’s getting cold out and I wanted the kids to be welcome, so something outside like that is just illogical anyway.  I mentioned it to B and she said we could rent a local civic center for $50 and my friend would DJ for 5 hrs for $100.  I thought that sounded great, but M said that was “silly” and a “waste”.  Then, my best friend “Chi” said she probably wouldn’t be able to come because she herself is in school and Sundays are her “only days off”.  Sunday is also one of M’s days off and he works Saturday nights, so we were going to do a potluck dinner on a Sunday.  If my husband thinks it’s silly, my own mother doesn’t seem to care and won’t even offer to help pay for it, and my best friend can’t be there, what the hell is the point?  Part of the reason I went back to school was to make the people I love proud of me, and that was an epic fail, apparently!  I mean, I didn’t even graduate with honors like I wanted to, and it’s not going to get me a promotion anytime soon.  My boss is 22 years old and has a year of community college under his belt.  I’m thinking I aimed high for no reason…Sigh… and missed anyway.  Still, I feel like having the party at this point would be like a Queen hosting a parade in her own honor and making everyone show up to cheer her on – self promotion and empty compliments, not really my thing.  Self pity on the other hand…

WORK ~ Well, I like my job, and my boss is actually a pretty cool “kid”, even if he is just “the boss’s son” and about 10 years younger than me.  He goes to bat for his people (against his own mother – The Ice Queen, Dragon Lady, and Class A Bitch).  I have to give him props for that because she scares the HOLY SHIT out of me.  However, I’m driving 50 mi, round trip, every day.  I only make $9/hour, and the benefits are “just okay”.  It’s definitely nothing spectacular, and to top it all off, I found out they hired me to groom me to take someone’s place.. during her maternity leave.  She’s almost three months prego now.  She was only a few weeks when I started, and only she and my boss knew about it when I was hired.  She’s my team leader so I’m honored that they thought so highly of me that they hired me to be her protege’.  Basically, she is going to move up in the company some day (that is, if she doesn’t decide to stay home with her kids after Baby #2 gets here).  That means, they specifically hired me to take her place. They want me to be as good (if not better) than her someday.  That speaks volumes, but I’m terribly worried that I won’t be able to keep up with the bills on this salary.  $1100 take home per month is rather scant!  Granted, it’s more than I was making PT at the college, but with my student loans quickly creeping up on me, I have to figure something out fast!

Being joined at the hip with a woman who constantly talks about baby stuff is KILLING ME.  She’s already picking out names, and it’s practically ALL she talks about.  I have to listen to her COMPLAIN about having her bridesmaid dress re-fitted to accommodate her “baby bump” (which is smaller than the ponch I fold into my slacks every morning) for her friend’s wedding, and how tired she is.  She talks about her cravings, baby names, morning sickness, and how this is “definitely her last one”.  All I can think is, “I WOULD TRADE YOU IN A HEARTBEAT, YOU BIG CRYBABY!”  I finally spoke up today and (as nicely as possible) suggested that there were probably hundreds of infertile women in the world who would trade places with her.  It didn’t stop the baby name discussion (which has become somewhat of a silly game in our department), but at least I don’t have to listen to her whining anymore.  I made her listen to me today…

IF NEWS ~ WARNING: GRAPHIC CONTENT…  I knew it was “about that time,” but my recent periods have been weird.  I have no cramps or any signs, aside from maybe some vague moodiness and then all of a sudden I will wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I’m being cut in half from the inside out.  I actually thought I was having a miscarriage this morning. I’ve never had one before, but I think I can now imagine what it’s like.  I woke about 5:30 AM with seizing pains in my lower back, so extreme I could barely move. I had sharp, stabbing pains IN my vagina.  It actually felt like something was stretching me from the inside.  My abdomen was hot to the touch, even after sitting on the stool for a good 15 minutes.  Even still, after about 12 Midol today, I’m still in pain, but I’m functioning.  I wasn’t this morning.  I crawled to the bathroom and pulled myself up on the stool, trying to hold in whatever was trying to come out of me, and when I “relaxed”, it was just a bunch of watery blood.  It sounded like I was peeing, but I wasn’t.  After some Midol and a REALLY hot shower, I was finally able to walk, but still in pain. I spent the entire day suffering through bouts of what I can only describe as “contractions”, but nothing unusual has come out of me since the “bloody water” this morning.  It’s just been my standard yuck that usually comes out on the first day of my period, but I can’t believe how much pain and bloating I’m having, and I think I’m actually a few days early, which is strange.  I’ve had exactly 27-day cycles for almost a year now and all of a sudden I’m early?  I think it was instigated by a fight with M last night. It seems like if we fight or have sex too close to the start of my period, I will either start early or have a really heavy start.  I know that sounds weird (especially as a reaction to fighting with him) but I can only report on what I have experienced, and that’s how it seems to be, to me anyway.

We haven’t started the Bee Fertile yet, but we plan to by Christmas.  I went from April to July with no work. The money we were supposed to use to clear some trees from our property, buy the Bee Fertile, and pay on some of my student loans was used to pay bills and buy M a “new” vehicle while I was off work.  He had to have a new truck, and before I quit my job I had promised him some of our savings could go toward a down payment.  Instead, we just bought a used truck outright.  It couldn’t wait, and we were uncertain what kind (if any) work I would be getting .  Using our savings to buy it outright was the better option.

I’m making Bee Fertile my top financial priority right now. I know some of you are reading this and thinking I’m poor white trash. Quite frankly, I really don’t care what you think of me. I’m a good person, and I’m just as infertile as those rich bitches that go out and buy their children.  I can’t afford IVF or adoption.  Bee Fertile is my last ditch effort before I just give up.  So, excuse me if I have to “save up” to spend $300 on a 3-month supply of what we are hoping is a our miracle.  There are people out there who have dropped 10 times that amount on one IF treatment or dr’s visit. I know this.  There are people who have sold their houses and gave up practically everything to have a baby. I know this.  We don’t have anything to give up.  We live simple lives so when it comes to our IF, we have to keep that simple too, even though it’s VERY complicated.  We are just having faith that if we give up what little we can that God will bless us for it…

SPEAKING OF GOD ~ We haven’t gone to church in almost a year.  It’s mostly M, but it’s me too.  Our church is 45 mins away, but he won’t go anywhere else. I LOVE our church and our pastor, but there’s just so much keeping me away…  M doesn’t think church is necessary for salvation, or for life.  He only goes when I REALLY beg him, or for holidays.  He says he prays and has a personal relationship with God.  I told him that screaming His name during sex and begging Him to help during times of need didn’t constitute a relationship, but he insists he has a private prayer life.  So do I, but that’s not good enough for me, and no matter how hard I try to explain it to him, he doesn’t get it….  I honestly feel like our IF is God’s way of punishing me.. For that one night stand 10 years ago, for lying to M about my ex before we were married, for not going to church. I dunno. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but this is a huge burden to be carrying around.  I feel SO GUILTY that M will never trust me 100% (because he found out after we were married about my “little white lie”), and that we can’t have a baby.  I know he wants to have kids, and I know how he feels about the lie and how it affects him, and I live with a MOUND of guilt on my shoulders every single day.  I’ve prayed for forgiveness, but even if God forgives me, I don’t feel like M does.  He says we can just adopt as far as the baby is concerned, but I’m not ready to give up….  I can’t help but to think if we would pray harder, maybe do some fasting, or go to church more often that maybe God would change His mind about allowing us to be parents.  I can’t change the whole trust thing. I just try to never put myself in questionable situations and to never ever give M another reason not to trust me, no reason whatsoever.  That’s all I can do, isn’t it?

Well, that’s enough whining and moaning for one day.  It’s probably the hormones talking anyway.  PMS is such a bitch!  I’ll try to update more often and put a few positive notes in there next time.


2 Responses to “Overdue!”

  1. Jackie Says:

    Welcome back!! First of all, as someone who’s doing online classes and working on a bachelors… CONGRATS!! And yes, in all caps. Because trust me, it’s a damn accomplishment and deserving of a party, a full bottle of wine (or 12 pack, whatever you choose) and a weekend in the nicest bed and breakfast you can find. Seriously, that’s awesome.
    Ouch – I’m glad they’re grooming you for a better position at your job – that pay rate is painful. Idk what the cost of living is like where you live, but here that doesn’t get you too far. Hope that you can move up soon! At least to get away from the whinypregnant one.
    LMAO on the poor white trash thing. I’m pretty sure we could almost be the same person except I’m saving the $300 for an IUI. Can’t seem to do it either. I have no idea how women can afford IVF, let alone multiple ones, and then move on to adoption which costs more than my annual household income! I hope that the BeeFertile works, or at least that you somehow get some insurance coverage that will take care of any diagnostics. One thing to consider though is if you get insurance that won’t cover diagnostics, it sounds like your periods are a little wonky. And if you don’t tell the gyno you’re ttc but instead tell them you’re worried about strange periods, they may cover testing for common menstrual issues (which can be a cause of infertility). It seems like I’ve mentioned that to you before, so forgive me. I tend to repeat myself lol.
    Either way, glad to see you back in the blogosphere! 🙂 Best of luck! And sorry for another novel-sized comment.

    • Jackie,

      Please never apologize for repeating yourself or for lengthy posts. You’re my one faithful follower, so I will never be upset with you for remaining my one true blogger friend! I tell you, sometimes I feel like Life, the Devil, or even God Himself has it out for me. I was really close to getting the money saved up to get our first 3-month shipment of Bee Fertile and then I got sick. I’m getting ready to post the update here in a minute so I won’t make you muddle through it in a reply to a reply… I guess that’s just the hand I’ve been dealt and I have to learn to live with disappointment, huh?

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