I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that God is forgiving, and that He is able to do anything we ask. I just have a hard time believing that he is willing to do it. I know that God has forgiven me for my past. It’s not as bad as I make it sound, but for someone like me, it’s really bad. I grew up believing that slipping out a curse word, or even wearing pants would send me straight to Hell, so sleeping around my second year of college and then lying to my husband about my past, that’s punishable by death in my world!
I know the Bible says all we have to do is ask for forgiveness and turn away from our sins and we are forgiven, but it also says we will reap what we sew. That’s where my spirituality and my reality collide. I think I’m reaping what I’ve sewn. I think we’re facing IF because of my past, or at least because I’ve kept my past a secret from my family and my husband. I dunno. Maybe only part of me believes that. After all, the Bible doesn’t say that keeping secrets is a sin, but then again, what is sin? It’s not like God spelled that one out for us. I mean, there are the Ten Commandments, but beyond that, He doesn’t really expound on the subject. I kind of believe that the person defines the sin. For instance, some people believe polygamy is not a sin, because “in God’s eyes” they are married to all of the people they are sleeping with and are therefore not committing adultery. I mean, that’s how several people in the Bible “rolled”, isn’t it? Others believe sleeping with more than one person, EVER in your life, is adultery – whether you’re married at the time or not. They believe that you are “bound” to every person you ever have sex with, whether you’re legally married or not. I suppose those are just the two extremes. I’ll bet that most of us believe somewhere in the middle of all that. I know I do. My point is, what may be a sin for me (based on my own spiritual beliefs and convictions) may not be a sin for someone else, and visa-verse. I grew up going to church with a family who all believed it was a sin to eat pork. Almost no one else in our church believed that way. In fact, the church hosted a huge hog roast every year for Labor Day, but to that small family, eating pork was a sin. I honestly believe that God would judge them for eating pork and that they would need to ask forgiveness if they did so, and would also have to reap the consequences. However, if I chose to eat a BLT, I wouldn’t have to ask forgiveness and there would be no consequences for me, because it’s not a sin for me.
All of that said, in short, I believe that sleeping with the 10 or so people that I slept with in my younger days was a sin because I wasn’t married to them and pretty much had no intention of ever marrying any of them (well, with maybe 1 or 2 exceptions). I’ve asked for forgiveness, and I believe that God has forgiven me. I was honest with my husband (to an extent) by telling him that I was not a virgin when we started dating, but he doesn’t know everyone I’ve been with. I tried to tell him once, but as soon as we started talking about it, I could see how uneasy it made him so I just gave up. I was afraid that he wouldn’t stick around if he found out how many there were and who they were. I’ve kept that secret for nearly 8 years now, and I don’t want to ruin my marriage over stuff that happened 10 years ago, but wait! There’s that “reaping” part. I always forget about that part when I’m begging God for forgiveness. Just because He forgives, doesn’t mean that the wheels of fate are not already turning toward my punishment! Even the forgiven must reap what they sew I suppose.
I have no clue why I’m even blogging about all of this. I suppose it’s just a way for me to work it out in words, since playing it out in my mind doesn’t seem to work… It’s so hard already, not knowing if I’m “broken,” and feeling like my husband is holding us back from ever discovering the “problem”. It could be him. It could be me. It could be both of us, or nothing at all. Maybe part of me is scared to find out. It’s like someone with cancer not going to the doctor because they’d rather die than hear the bad news. Maybe I’m part of what is keeping us from moving forward. Maybe I’m afraid to hear it too.