Lost on the IF Highway

In the open… October 20, 2011

Filed under: BeeFertile,Family,Marriage — Lost on the IF Highway @ 11:24 PM

OK. I have to admit it’s kind of nice now that M knows about the blog.  He is a very private person, so I know he doesn’t want me sharing his “business” online, so I will try my best to leave him out of my one-sided conversations when I can, but at this point, this is still my only real source of support concerning my infertility so I just can’t bring myself to let it go and I know that M understands that I need a place I can go for IF support.  Now that he knows about it, I feel a little liberated, and maybe through the blog I will be able to explain things in a way that I may not be able to in other ways.

Even though IF is fairly common (more so than I realized), it’s not like there ‘s someone on every other street corner willing to talk about it.  At least here no one knows who I am and I have never met any of you either.  It makes it so much easier to be candid (and sometimes a little blunt) about how I’m feeling.  I NEED that, and I have no problem whatsoever with M reading (and even editing) my blog.  But I really do need to maintain this source of support, so I’m going to keep blogging throughout my journey, or until I just run out of things to say….  I know when M reads that particular comment that he will know at that point that I will probably have this blog until I die because I never run out of things to say! Haha!

I came to the blog today because I’m having a really bad day and the blog always seems to lift my spirits. I particularly enjoy reading Jackie, Autumn, and Rain’s blogs/comments because they always remind me that I’m not alone and that there are women out there who are happy with their lives, despite IF.

My shipment of BeeFertile should be here any day now.  Even though things have been rocky lately, I’m still excited.  And I’m not even excited for the reasons I thought I would be.  Mostly, I’m excited for the change.  I’m excited to be doing something, anything that could improve my chances of having a baby someday, even if it’s not right away.  And I’ve been doing even MORE research on the ingredients and they seem to be beneficial in so many other ways, besides the fertility benefits.  This is one of my main sources of enthusiasm.  I’m looking forward to the “unintended” benefits of the extra vitamins, minerals, and nutrients.  The truth is, I’ve had “female” problems for so long, and my doctor has said a million times that I should look into natural ways to help take care of some of those issues.  I honestly believe that the issues I’ve been facing are a contributing factor to our IF, although my doctor hasn’t ever truly agreed with me on that point.  I know that a lot of the ingredients in BeeFertile are beneficial for overall women’s health, so that is a strong motivator for me right now, in addition to the intended benefits.

In the last week, I have also come to terms with the fact that a pregnancy is probably not in my very near future.  As you all know, IF takes a huge toll on relationships, not just the relationship with your partner but also your relationships with your friends/family.  As I have discovered, it even screws with the relationships I have with my co–workers (like the moody bundle of pregnant hormones I work with right now).  In light of this, I have had to sort of find my center and come to terms with the fact that it could be years before we have a baby and maybe, just maybe, we won’t have a baby at all.  I’m not okay with that. Don’t get me wrong. I haven’t given up, but I’m less stressed about it, for the meantime at least.  I have to be, because it was starting to take a major toll on my relationships.  I still want a baby with everything that is within me. I don’t go a single moment in my day without thinking about how badly I want to be a mother, but I’ll be okay if it doesn’t happen for another year or two.

The plan, for now, is to start with the 90-day BeeFertile kit.  After that, I told M that if he doesn’t like it he doesn’t have to do it, but I want to keep doing it myself.  It will take some grand financial scheming on my part, because money is pretty tight right now, but even if we took a break on “trying” and just chose to “relax” for a while (like everyone keeps telling me to do), I think I would still want to take it.  If for nothing else, I believe it can’t possibly hurt to improve my reproductive health, because I really do want to have children and there’s no harm in doing everything I can to insure that my body is ready for it when/if  we do get pregnant.  Think of all the women who accidentally became pregnant and their bodies were just as unprepared as they were.  We don’t use any birth control whatsoever.  There’s nothing that says we might not get pregnant by “accident”, and if we are so blessed with a “happy accident” I want to be prepared.

And by the way, people who tell couples facing IF to “just relax” are just ignorant!  I really want to clamp jumper cables onto their asses and tell them to “just relax”.


Don’t Be a Dumbass October 6, 2011

Filed under: Infertility — Lost on the IF Highway @ 11:03 PM

Don’t Be a Dumbass.

Things you should NEVER say to a woman who is struggling to get pregnant!!!


Drowning… September 29, 2011

Filed under: Infertility — Lost on the IF Highway @ 10:12 PM

I’m drowning in pregnant bitches!!!  I CAN’T STAND IT!  Let me think.. There’s my hubby’s ex (who consequently is also my friend-weird, huh?), My paraplegic friend, My friend from high school, my team leader, the regional coordinator for my Relay for Life, My friend’s daughter-in-law, my nephew’s child development case worker, and there’s at least one more but there are so many that I’ve lost track.  They are ALL pregnant. Most of them are due in March/April.  I’m just so… so… pissed, depressed, confused, frustrated… I’m just PISSED.  I’m mad at the whole world right now!  Why them?  A paraplegic? Are you SERIOUS?  Oh! My M-I-L’s boss is prego with her paraplegic husband.  Yah. Must be nice to have the finances  to afford to have his sperm extracted and to have IVF, and for it to work THE FIRST TIME??? Common!

God hates me!  That’s just all there is to it! God is pissed off at me and I just don’t know what to do.  I can barely stand to go to work and work side-by-side with this woman every day. She’s about 3 months now and she’s starting to get a little baby bump and it’s “so cute” it makes me puke, almost literally – but she is one BITCHY-ASS pregnant lady!  She was in a really bad mood yesterday and today and I had to say something before I killed her.  She bitched all day yesterday and today she snapped at me twice in the my first ten mintues there. She was griping about having to get up an hour early today (which is the same time I get up EVERY DAY), and she got 10 hours of sleep last night!  I got TWO HOURS of sleep last night, and she got off 2.5 hours early today while I still had to work.  To add insult to injury, she left me with a ton of work to get done in that time and I barely got it done before I left.  She blames it on being pregnant – says that the hormones mess with her moods, but I’m not going to be treated like this for the next six months!  It’s bad enough that I have to be around all these pregnant women all the time, but then the one I spend the most time with blames all of her problems on her pregnancy when I would trade her in a millisecond!  I think I’m starting to hate her!

Well, I don’t want to be a bitch anymore, so I’m going to call it a night, after I put M’s laundry in the dryer… I’m going to email BeeFertile and hope for better news – although I’m really not optimistic because I just got my ER bill.  Even after my discount, I owe them $324 for a shot in the ass, a misdiagnosis, and a prescription for a $4 antibiotic!  MY doctor is the one who made it better, not the ER.  Too bad they don’t give refunds for a misdiagnosis, huh?

Spider bite almost completely healed!

It's getting better!


Forgiveness September 24, 2011

Filed under: Infertility,Spiritual — Lost on the IF Highway @ 3:24 PM

I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that God is forgiving, and that He is able to do anything we ask.  I just have a hard time believing that he is willing to do it.  I know that God has forgiven me for my past.  It’s not as bad as I make it sound, but for someone like me, it’s really bad.  I grew up believing that slipping out a curse word, or even wearing pants would send me straight to Hell, so sleeping around my second year of college and then lying to my husband about my past, that’s punishable by death in my world!

I know the Bible says all we have to do is ask for forgiveness and turn away from our sins and we are forgiven, but it also says we will reap what we sew.  That’s where my spirituality and my reality collide.  I think I’m reaping what I’ve sewn. I think we’re facing IF because of my past, or at least because I’ve kept my past a secret from my family and my husband.  I dunno. Maybe only part of me believes that.  After all, the Bible doesn’t say that keeping secrets is a sin, but then again, what is sin?  It’s not like God spelled that one out for us.  I mean, there are the Ten Commandments, but beyond that, He doesn’t really expound on the subject.  I kind of believe that the person defines the sin.  For instance, some people believe polygamy is not a sin, because “in God’s eyes” they are married to all of the people they are sleeping with and are therefore not committing adultery.  I mean, that’s how several people in the Bible “rolled”, isn’t it?  Others believe sleeping with more than one person, EVER in your life, is adultery – whether you’re married at the time or not.  They believe that you are “bound” to every person you ever have sex with, whether you’re legally married or not.  I suppose those are just the two extremes.  I’ll bet that most of us believe somewhere in the middle of all that.  I know I do.  My point is, what may be a sin for me (based on my own spiritual beliefs and convictions) may not be a sin for someone else, and visa-verse.  I grew up going to church with a family who all believed it was a sin to eat pork.  Almost no one else in our church believed that way.  In fact, the church hosted a huge hog roast every year for Labor Day, but to that small family, eating pork was a sin. I honestly believe that God would judge them for eating pork and that they would need to ask forgiveness if they did so, and would also have to reap the consequences.  However, if I chose to eat a BLT, I wouldn’t have to ask forgiveness and there would be no consequences for me, because it’s not a sin for me.

All of that said, in short, I believe that sleeping with the 10 or so people that I slept with in my younger days was a sin because I wasn’t married to them and pretty much had no intention of ever marrying any of them (well, with maybe 1 or 2 exceptions).  I’ve asked for forgiveness, and I believe that God has forgiven me.  I was honest with my husband (to an extent) by telling him that I was not a virgin when we started dating, but he doesn’t know everyone I’ve been with.  I tried to tell him once, but as soon as we started talking about it, I could see how uneasy it made him so I just gave up.  I was afraid that he wouldn’t stick around if he found out how many there were and who they were.  I’ve kept that secret for nearly 8 years now, and I don’t want to ruin my marriage over stuff that happened 10 years ago, but wait!  There’s that “reaping” part.  I always forget about that part when I’m begging God for forgiveness.  Just because He forgives, doesn’t mean that the wheels of fate are not already turning toward my punishment!  Even the forgiven must reap what they sew I suppose.

I have no clue why I’m even blogging about all of this. I suppose it’s just a way for me to work it out in words, since playing it out in my mind doesn’t seem to work…  It’s so hard already, not knowing if I’m “broken,” and feeling like my husband is holding us back from ever discovering the “problem”.  It could be him. It could be me. It could be both of us, or nothing at all.  Maybe part of me is scared to find out.  It’s like someone with cancer not going to the doctor because they’d rather die than hear the bad news.  Maybe I’m part of what is keeping us from moving forward.  Maybe I’m afraid to hear it too.


Article about BeeFertile… September 20, 2011

Filed under: BeeFertile — Lost on the IF Highway @ 4:35 PM

I found this article about BeeFertile this afternoon and just thought I would share it.  Yes, it’s obviously a promo article for the product so I’m not ignorant to the motivation behind it.  However, with very little information out there about the product, I feel it’s always nice to find every little bit of info you can find.  This article gives some names and little facts about the history of the product.  Here’s a link to the article…


Rollercoasters, Demolition Derbies, & Wine Trails June 23, 2011

Filed under: BeeFertile,Infertility,Just Life — Lost on the IF Highway @ 12:17 PM

I know the title of this post is crazy. You’ll get it if you read to the end… I’ll be the first to admit I can sometimes be a hateful, bitter, bitch.  I am definitely more pessimistic than optimistic most days.  I think it’s one of my greatest faults as a human being. So many people have influenced me to try to be a better person, but I sometimes wonder if it’s just a part of my genetic make-up that I cannot change.  I’m not one to spend hours on my knees in prayer. I don’t often go out of my way to be nice to someone, although I would count myself as generous.  I just don’t focus my life on trying to save people’s souls, I don’t work in a soup kitchen or homeless shelter, and I don’t do much charity work. I’m usually too busy trying to keep my own life together. I cuss way too much. I’m sometimes rude and bossy.  I’m too hard on my husband’s adopted daughter (my stepdaughter, SJ).  I have given up trying to get along with certain family members, my sister in particular.  I’ve sworn off my biological father and have even wished he would die before.  I’m just a TERRIBLE person!  To be honest, this whole IF thing has only made it worse and I am just so sick of feeling so negative and grouchy all the time. It’s like I’m constantly suffering from PMS!  Granted, I’m not mean to everyone; I do work with Relay for Life, and I do want a career that is fulfilling and meaningful where I can be of help to people, but the majority of my days I just feel like I’m a hateful, terrible person.

I’ve been trying to think of ways to fix all the negativity in my life.  My mother’s advice is to give up on the “baby thing” because it’s “undo stress” that I don’t need. She doesn’t get that I DO need it!  It’s the one thing I want more than anything in my life.  I grew up in a church where God, the church, and family were THE MOST important things in my life.  I grew up living for other people and their rules, so I shy away from a religious answer.  Yes. I do feel I should pray more, cuss less, and be nicer, but I just shy away from believing that church is the answer.  I think if I really work at it I can make this change on my own…

I really thought I was pregnant this time.  I haven’t missed a period or had a late period in years.  I’ve been feeling sick and just… weird.  I’ve had some of the “symptoms”.  I really, really thought this could be it!  I didn’t have a single cramp or a spike in temperature like I normally do, nothing.  Everything pointed to “pregnant” (except the PT’s of course).  I just thought I was one of those women that couldn’t POAS and I would need a blood test, but I wanted to wait another week before I went to the doctor. Good thing I did.  I would have looked like a moron if I had gone to the doctor yesterday, because it would have been negative. I started early this morning.  Out of nowhere, I woke up to pee (for the millionth time) and when I wiped, there was blood.  It wasn’t just a little bit like when my mole was bleeding.  It was about the size of a nickel, so I wiped again, another drop, and another.  I put a pad on and went back to bed until I woke up feeling like my right ovary was going to explode.  That was all I needed. I got up, put in a tampon and got in the shower.  I sat in the floor of the shower for probably 20 minutes, just crying and staring at the little bits of face scrub on the shower wall that M didn’t rinse out when he took a shower last night.  Other than the pain in my ovary, I still haven’t had any cramps, bloating, or headaches like I usually get.  I usually have SEVERE PMS and this time it’s incredibly mild comparably.

I’ll admit it – I’m pissed off!  I’m SO ANGRY.  I just can’t understand why God chose me to be his little ant under the magnifying glass.  I have no job, no baby. I’m feeling incredibly useless, worthless, and just… ANGRY.  I don’t want to feel angry. I want to be happy, no matter what life throws at me, like the coupon lady.  I took a couponing class the other day and the coupon lady was just so.. happy.  She told a story about how her husband got very sick and had to take off work for several months and her family was starving.. and she did it with a smile on her face, giving all the credit to God. She talked about how she prayed and how she knew God would never forsake her and He would give her the wisdom to figure out a way to put food on her family’s table.. and of course HE DID.  She started “extreme couponing” and the next thing you know, there’s food on the table, her husband is getting better, and she gives all the credit to God.  I wish I could be so positive!!!

So, in my weak attempt to be positive today, I’m trying to think of all the things I was going to miss out on had I been pregnant.  I want to count myself “lucky” because I will still be able to do these things this summer…  We have a trip to Six Flags scheduled for July 17th.  Last year, we went in June and my SIL (C) was about one week pregnant and didn’t know it.  She rode the rides and had her fun and THEN she found out a few weeks later she was pregnant and the baby (E) came out just perfect in March of this year…  So, I will not miss the rollercoasters………  Demolition Derbies – Well, I have a car sitting in my driveway that I paid $400 for so that I could drive it in the demo derby on August 5th.  My husband and I’s first “official” date was on August 6th, 2004.  He was driving in the county demo derby and he invited me to come along.  I watched with excitement and we hung out until 7am the next morning.  Ever since, the derby has been a part of my life.  Our entire year centers around the demolition derby.  Last year I ran in the compact cars for the first time as a driver (alongside my husband and our friends) and I took 5th place out of 20+ cars.  I was hooked!  I was gonna have to find someone to drive my car for me this year, or put the car aside for next year, but I don’t have to do that now!  Maybe this year I will finish with a trophy or even money!….  And wine trails – Every year we go south to the wine trails for my friend (Chi’s) birthday.  She’ll be 35 this year in August.  Chi, C, Ti, Tay, and I eat lunch and then drive down south about an hour to visit about 5-6 of the 15 wineries.  One in particular has this sangria that I actually start CRAVING this time of year.  Then, we go to Red Lobster for dinner and go watch a movie or go shopping before heading home.  This year, I don’t have to miss the wine trails.

M and I discussed earlier this week that if I wasn’t pregnant we would buy the BeeFertile and start right away.  We wanted to be pregnant by Christmas.  I’m thinking I need a break.  We have so much going on this summer already, and I will be done with school Sept. 5th.  Maybe we could wait about a month, then start taking the BeeFertile.  It seems like it takes a minimum of 3 months and a maximum of 9 months for most couples to see results.  And I think we’re going to stop the crazy positions, the BBT, the hectic rituals that are living with IF, and just relax for a month or two.  We can enjoy our summer.  We can start the BeeFertile in July or August and then pick back up with the BBT, the charts, the P’ing OAS all over again.  Maybe by then I will have a job (and hopefully some insurance) and there will be less to worry about.  And I won’t have to worry about school.  Who knows? Maybe S and G will have moved out by then too so that we can FINALLY have the house to ourselves for the first time ever since we first moved in together before we were even married!!!  Wouldn’t it be nice to have some alone time before a baby comes?

So, I think that’s the plan. I haven’t cleared it with M yet, but he seems a lot more relaxed over the whole thing than I am anyway.  He seems to think he should just start taking testosterone shots and that would help.  He’s crazy!  And I know that he only wants the shots because he knows it will help to raise his bench and make him “look better”.  It has far more to do with his gym regimen than his wish for a baby.

Anyway, so that’s my sad attempt at looking at the brighter side of this whole situation.  Actually, this is an amazing feat for me, considering I started today and I am usually the bitch from Hell on the first day of my period.  I just hope I can relax and enjoy my summer without thinking about babies too much.


Day 29 of a 27-day Cycle & Going Bonkers! June 22, 2011

Filed under: Infertility — Lost on the IF Highway @ 3:12 AM
Tags: , ,

I’m trying VERY hard NOT to get my hopes up!  It’s so hard not to but I find that I handle disappoint so much better if I am just prepared to be disappointed!  Here’s what’s going on… I usually run a 27-day cycle.  Technically, today should be Day 2 of what I call my “June” cycle (my third cycle since I started from scratch with my doctor).  But I still haven’t started my period.  Part of me wants to jump up and down (and be careful not to harm what could potentially be living in my belly).  Another part of me is SCREAMING, “DO NOT get your hopes up.  You can’t possibly be pregnant.  You’ve only been trying for two months on this new regimen and you’ve been trying for FIVE years.  You’d be crazy to get your hopes up.”

I’m afraid to tell anyone. The only people who know are two of my best friends, my SIL (C) and M. C said I have had all the same symptoms she had when she was first pregnant and didn’t know it yet.  I’m short of breath, get winded easily, have irregular heartbeat, loss of appetite, paranoid like crazy, peeing a lot, and having strange cravings.  I have gone through over 1/2 a bottle of Heinz 57 in the last week!  There are two things that are very wrong with that: 1) I have never bought Heinz 57 in my life before last week, and 2) I never ever eat the same thing more than twice in a row. I can’t stand eating the same thing over and over. Ask my husband, who eats the same thing for lunch almost every day.

I’m SO PARANOID that I miscounted my days.  In May, I didn’t write down Day 1 on my little chart right away.  I have a chart where I calculate every single day of my cycle and record everything from my BBT, to my OVT reading, to my mucus consistency.  I usually never forget to write anything down, but in May I didn’t write down which day was Day 1 until a few days later.  I have it recorded as being May 24th. I’m almost certain that is correct, because I distinctly remember thinking “Man, I would have to start on my mom’s birthday!”  My sister (S) and I had to go somewhere that night.. my friend’s visitation, and I forgot to call my mother that day and wish her happy birthday because I was so preoccupied with Steven’s visitation/funeral.  I had to read a poem at the funeral and I was really worried about it.  He was young, and his parents are our very dear friends so I was really worked up.  When I woke up, I realized I was starting my period, which made the day even harder. As if it wasn’t emotional enough, but I get REALLY bitchy when Aunt Flo visits!  I ALWAYS have 27-day cycles.  If I start on a Tuesday in May you can bet I will start on a Monday in June.  So, I’m 99.9999999% sure I started on May 24th and should have started on June 20th.  That’s better accuracy than a pregnancy test!


I think digital tests are just as confusing as two pink lines!

Speaking of pregnancy tests, this is one reason I am very doubtful and borderline depressed over this whole thing. I’ve taken two pregnancy tests in the last two days. Both came back negative, and they were the Clear Blue digital tests, not the cheap $1 tests from Dollar General.  I won’t buy my tests from DG because S works there and I don’t generally share this kind of information with my sister.  If you’ve read my other entries you can clearly understand that we don’t have that kind of open relationship. We can barely get through a day without wanting to kill each other.

So, what’s my next step?  How much is a blood test at the doctor?  That’s the only thing I can think to do, but I don’t want to go there and feel like a complete idiot if I’m not pregnant.

Here’s the rundown:

  • I pee ALL THE TIME. I didn’t think this happened until later on, but I’ve been doing it a LOT.
  • I had all those crazy symptoms during my ovulation week (fever, lower back pain, hip pain, extreme shortness of breath, irregular heartbeat, really high pulse/heart rate, etc.
  • I’ve been eating Heinz 57 like they’re discontinuing the recipe or something.
  • My husband said I’ve been walking funny. I don’t see it but he says I’ve been “waddling”.
  • I’m tired ALL THE TIME. I could sleep all day if M and G would let me!
  • I’m two days late for my period. I haven’t been late in over three years.
  • My nipples hurt.  In fact, come to think of it, I kind of hurt all over.
  • However, I have had two BFN’s in the last couple of days.  Why would they come up negative on Day 2 of my “cycle” (that hasn’t come yet)?

Any opinions?

I don’t want to talk to my mother about it, because we aren’t close and I don’t think she would be supportive.  She never even really wanted me to get married or have children.  She wanted me to be “smarter than she was” – more independent, my own woman.  She didn’t help with the wedding, she has always favored my little sister over me, and she won’t be willing to help with the baby.  Furthermore, after the “mole” incident when my sister delivered G, I really don’t want her around.  I’d rather she just kept her distance overall. She brings out the worst in me, well, S brings out the worst in me. My mother comes in 2nd.  I would talk to my MIL (B) about it, but B’s wanted us to have a baby for SO LONG that I’m afraid to get her hopes up. I think she would be more devastated than we would if I wasn’t pregnant.  My FIL (J) is disabled and his cardiologist doesn’t think he will live more than two years.  He could, if he would quit smoking, but J is one of these that just refuses to believe that smoking has anything to do with his heart failing.  He associates smoking with lung disease, not heart disease, and he seems to breathe okay, except for when his heart gives him fits! (haha). So, B’s worried that their grandchildren won’t remember him.  SJ will, because she is already 10 years old, but E (M’s neice) and our kids won’t, not if he only lives for two more years.  M and I are kind of on our own out here.

I hope that ya’ll understand, now, why I’m constantly asking your advice instead of asking my friends/family. I just don’t feel like I CAN ask them.  M and I really have had to keep a lot of this to ourselves.  This blog is the only place where I feel I can be 100% honest w/a very limited filter (changing the names for instance).  Thank  you so much for reading and replying.  Jackie has been an angel! She’s my one true follower, but thanks to everyone. You have no idea how much I love that I am able to share and read your blogs as well!

M is working a double shift.  It’s 3am here and I’m still wide awake (one of the perks of not working right now I suppose).  He will be home at 7am, and if I stay up late, I can sleep in with him a little bit tomorrow (or today I guess).  PLEASE keep us in your prayers. It would be WONDERFUL if our IF battle ended here!