In the open… October 20, 2011

OK. I have to admit it’s kind of nice now that M knows about the blog.  He is a very private person, so I know he doesn’t want me sharing his “business” online, so I will try my best to leave him out of my one-sided conversations when I can, but at this point, this is still my only real source of support concerning my infertility so I just can’t bring myself to let it go and I know that M understands that I need a place I can go for IF support.  Now that he knows about it, I feel a little liberated, and maybe through the blog I will be able to explain things in a way that I may not be able to in other ways.

Even though IF is fairly common (more so than I realized), it’s not like there ‘s someone on every other street corner willing to talk about it.  At least here no one knows who I am and I have never met any of you either.  It makes it so much easier to be candid (and sometimes a little blunt) about how I’m feeling.  I NEED that, and I have no problem whatsoever with M reading (and even editing) my blog.  But I really do need to maintain this source of support, so I’m going to keep blogging throughout my journey, or until I just run out of things to say….  I know when M reads that particular comment that he will know at that point that I will probably have this blog until I die because I never run out of things to say! Haha!

I came to the blog today because I’m having a really bad day and the blog always seems to lift my spirits. I particularly enjoy reading Jackie, Autumn, and Rain’s blogs/comments because they always remind me that I’m not alone and that there are women out there who are happy with their lives, despite IF.

My shipment of BeeFertile should be here any day now.  Even though things have been rocky lately, I’m still excited.  And I’m not even excited for the reasons I thought I would be.  Mostly, I’m excited for the change.  I’m excited to be doing something, anything that could improve my chances of having a baby someday, even if it’s not right away.  And I’ve been doing even MORE research on the ingredients and they seem to be beneficial in so many other ways, besides the fertility benefits.  This is one of my main sources of enthusiasm.  I’m looking forward to the “unintended” benefits of the extra vitamins, minerals, and nutrients.  The truth is, I’ve had “female” problems for so long, and my doctor has said a million times that I should look into natural ways to help take care of some of those issues.  I honestly believe that the issues I’ve been facing are a contributing factor to our IF, although my doctor hasn’t ever truly agreed with me on that point.  I know that a lot of the ingredients in BeeFertile are beneficial for overall women’s health, so that is a strong motivator for me right now, in addition to the intended benefits.

In the last week, I have also come to terms with the fact that a pregnancy is probably not in my very near future.  As you all know, IF takes a huge toll on relationships, not just the relationship with your partner but also your relationships with your friends/family.  As I have discovered, it even screws with the relationships I have with my co–workers (like the moody bundle of pregnant hormones I work with right now).  In light of this, I have had to sort of find my center and come to terms with the fact that it could be years before we have a baby and maybe, just maybe, we won’t have a baby at all.  I’m not okay with that. Don’t get me wrong. I haven’t given up, but I’m less stressed about it, for the meantime at least.  I have to be, because it was starting to take a major toll on my relationships.  I still want a baby with everything that is within me. I don’t go a single moment in my day without thinking about how badly I want to be a mother, but I’ll be okay if it doesn’t happen for another year or two.

The plan, for now, is to start with the 90-day BeeFertile kit.  After that, I told M that if he doesn’t like it he doesn’t have to do it, but I want to keep doing it myself.  It will take some grand financial scheming on my part, because money is pretty tight right now, but even if we took a break on “trying” and just chose to “relax” for a while (like everyone keeps telling me to do), I think I would still want to take it.  If for nothing else, I believe it can’t possibly hurt to improve my reproductive health, because I really do want to have children and there’s no harm in doing everything I can to insure that my body is ready for it when/if  we do get pregnant.  Think of all the women who accidentally became pregnant and their bodies were just as unprepared as they were.  We don’t use any birth control whatsoever.  There’s nothing that says we might not get pregnant by “accident”, and if we are so blessed with a “happy accident” I want to be prepared.

And by the way, people who tell couples facing IF to “just relax” are just ignorant!  I really want to clamp jumper cables onto their asses and tell them to “just relax”.

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Article about BeeFertile… September 20, 2011

I found this article about BeeFertile this afternoon and just thought I would share it.  Yes, it’s obviously a promo article for the product so I’m not ignorant to the motivation behind it.  However, with very little information out there about the product, I feel it’s always nice to find every little bit of info you can find.  This article gives some names and little facts about the history of the product.  Here’s a link to the article…

www.prweb.com/releases/prweb2011/7/prweb8660556.htm

Rollercoasters, Demolition Derbies, & Wine Trails June 23, 2011

I know the title of this post is crazy. You’ll get it if you read to the end… I’ll be the first to admit I can sometimes be a hateful, bitter, bitch.  I am definitely more pessimistic than optimistic most days.  I think it’s one of my greatest faults as a human being. So many people have influenced me to try to be a better person, but I sometimes wonder if it’s just a part of my genetic make-up that I cannot change.  I’m not one to spend hours on my knees in prayer. I don’t often go out of my way to be nice to someone, although I would count myself as generous.  I just don’t focus my life on trying to save people’s souls, I don’t work in a soup kitchen or homeless shelter, and I don’t do much charity work. I’m usually too busy trying to keep my own life together. I cuss way too much. I’m sometimes rude and bossy.  I’m too hard on my husband’s adopted daughter (my stepdaughter, SJ).  I have given up trying to get along with certain family members, my sister in particular.  I’ve sworn off my biological father and have even wished he would die before.  I’m just a TERRIBLE person!  To be honest, this whole IF thing has only made it worse and I am just so sick of feeling so negative and grouchy all the time. It’s like I’m constantly suffering from PMS!  Granted, I’m not mean to everyone; I do work with Relay for Life, and I do want a career that is fulfilling and meaningful where I can be of help to people, but the majority of my days I just feel like I’m a hateful, terrible person.

I’ve been trying to think of ways to fix all the negativity in my life.  My mother’s advice is to give up on the “baby thing” because it’s “undo stress” that I don’t need. She doesn’t get that I DO need it!  It’s the one thing I want more than anything in my life.  I grew up in a church where God, the church, and family were THE MOST important things in my life.  I grew up living for other people and their rules, so I shy away from a religious answer.  Yes. I do feel I should pray more, cuss less, and be nicer, but I just shy away from believing that church is the answer.  I think if I really work at it I can make this change on my own…

I really thought I was pregnant this time.  I haven’t missed a period or had a late period in years.  I’ve been feeling sick and just… weird.  I’ve had some of the “symptoms”.  I really, really thought this could be it!  I didn’t have a single cramp or a spike in temperature like I normally do, nothing.  Everything pointed to “pregnant” (except the PT’s of course).  I just thought I was one of those women that couldn’t POAS and I would need a blood test, but I wanted to wait another week before I went to the doctor. Good thing I did.  I would have looked like a moron if I had gone to the doctor yesterday, because it would have been negative. I started early this morning.  Out of nowhere, I woke up to pee (for the millionth time) and when I wiped, there was blood.  It wasn’t just a little bit like when my mole was bleeding.  It was about the size of a nickel, so I wiped again, another drop, and another.  I put a pad on and went back to bed until I woke up feeling like my right ovary was going to explode.  That was all I needed. I got up, put in a tampon and got in the shower.  I sat in the floor of the shower for probably 20 minutes, just crying and staring at the little bits of face scrub on the shower wall that M didn’t rinse out when he took a shower last night.  Other than the pain in my ovary, I still haven’t had any cramps, bloating, or headaches like I usually get.  I usually have SEVERE PMS and this time it’s incredibly mild comparably.

I’ll admit it – I’m pissed off!  I’m SO ANGRY.  I just can’t understand why God chose me to be his little ant under the magnifying glass.  I have no job, no baby. I’m feeling incredibly useless, worthless, and just… ANGRY.  I don’t want to feel angry. I want to be happy, no matter what life throws at me, like the coupon lady.  I took a couponing class the other day and the coupon lady was just so.. happy.  She told a story about how her husband got very sick and had to take off work for several months and her family was starving.. and she did it with a smile on her face, giving all the credit to God. She talked about how she prayed and how she knew God would never forsake her and He would give her the wisdom to figure out a way to put food on her family’s table.. and of course HE DID.  She started “extreme couponing” and the next thing you know, there’s food on the table, her husband is getting better, and she gives all the credit to God.  I wish I could be so positive!!!

So, in my weak attempt to be positive today, I’m trying to think of all the things I was going to miss out on had I been pregnant.  I want to count myself “lucky” because I will still be able to do these things this summer…  We have a trip to Six Flags scheduled for July 17th.  Last year, we went in June and my SIL (C) was about one week pregnant and didn’t know it.  She rode the rides and had her fun and THEN she found out a few weeks later she was pregnant and the baby (E) came out just perfect in March of this year…  So, I will not miss the rollercoasters………  Demolition Derbies – Well, I have a car sitting in my driveway that I paid $400 for so that I could drive it in the demo derby on August 5th.  My husband and I’s first “official” date was on August 6th, 2004.  He was driving in the county demo derby and he invited me to come along.  I watched with excitement and we hung out until 7am the next morning.  Ever since, the derby has been a part of my life.  Our entire year centers around the demolition derby.  Last year I ran in the compact cars for the first time as a driver (alongside my husband and our friends) and I took 5th place out of 20+ cars.  I was hooked!  I was gonna have to find someone to drive my car for me this year, or put the car aside for next year, but I don’t have to do that now!  Maybe this year I will finish with a trophy or even money!….  And wine trails – Every year we go south to the wine trails for my friend (Chi’s) birthday.  She’ll be 35 this year in August.  Chi, C, Ti, Tay, and I eat lunch and then drive down south about an hour to visit about 5-6 of the 15 wineries.  One in particular has this sangria that I actually start CRAVING this time of year.  Then, we go to Red Lobster for dinner and go watch a movie or go shopping before heading home.  This year, I don’t have to miss the wine trails.

M and I discussed earlier this week that if I wasn’t pregnant we would buy the BeeFertile and start right away.  We wanted to be pregnant by Christmas.  I’m thinking I need a break.  We have so much going on this summer already, and I will be done with school Sept. 5th.  Maybe we could wait about a month, then start taking the BeeFertile.  It seems like it takes a minimum of 3 months and a maximum of 9 months for most couples to see results.  And I think we’re going to stop the crazy positions, the BBT, the hectic rituals that are living with IF, and just relax for a month or two.  We can enjoy our summer.  We can start the BeeFertile in July or August and then pick back up with the BBT, the charts, the P’ing OAS all over again.  Maybe by then I will have a job (and hopefully some insurance) and there will be less to worry about.  And I won’t have to worry about school.  Who knows? Maybe S and G will have moved out by then too so that we can FINALLY have the house to ourselves for the first time ever since we first moved in together before we were even married!!!  Wouldn’t it be nice to have some alone time before a baby comes?

So, I think that’s the plan. I haven’t cleared it with M yet, but he seems a lot more relaxed over the whole thing than I am anyway.  He seems to think he should just start taking testosterone shots and that would help.  He’s crazy!  And I know that he only wants the shots because he knows it will help to raise his bench and make him “look better”.  It has far more to do with his gym regimen than his wish for a baby.

Anyway, so that’s my sad attempt at looking at the brighter side of this whole situation.  Actually, this is an amazing feat for me, considering I started today and I am usually the bitch from Hell on the first day of my period.  I just hope I can relax and enjoy my summer without thinking about babies too much.

Should We BeeFertile? June 17, 2011

I was recently introduced to a new fertility product…

Thanks to “Joshua” (who recently replied to one of my blog posts), I was introduced to a fertility product I have never heard of.  It is called BeeFertile.  Here is a link to their website:  http://www.beefertile.com/

I have read probably hundreds of blogs (via the Stirrup Queens Blogroll, which I highly recommend for couples facing infertility: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/a-whole-lot-of-blogging-brought-to-you-sorted-and-filed/).  Never once have I heard of BeeFertile.  When Joshua mentioned it in his reply to my post, I had to check it out.  It really does sound too good to be true [2g2bt].  My experience with things that are 2g2bt is that they usually are, so I am incredibly skeptical!

Call me crazy, but I am slowly gathering a list of pro’s & con’s and I am desperately seeking testimonials, opinions, and advice about using this BeeFertile supplement.  For those of you who are too lazy to take a look at the website, I will give you a quick overview (that definitely will NOT do the website justice.)

BeeFertile is an all-natural supplement (therefore not tested by the FDA). The website says there are no known side effects, it is “all natural”, and it is proven effective for increasing fertility in both men and women.  Some other “facts”:

• Different formulas for men and women
• It combines over 30 natural ingredients in a pill for men and women.  Uses natural vitamins and minerals (often found in prenatal vitamins and other health supplements), in addition to some “bee” additives (pollen and Royal Jelly).
• Requires both the male and the female to take pills 4x/day and 1tsp of Royal Jelly every day.
• “Hive Naturals” is the parent company, a family company, started with a health foods store in Georgia.
• The website DOES have a guarantee (of sorts) and a physical address, and the site was the first thing that popped up when I searched for BeeFertile on Google (speaks for legitimacy, right?)
• They provided me with a “Doctor’s Fact Kit” to take with me to the doctor and recommend repeatedly on the website to consult a doctor before starting the BeeFertile program.
• All of the testimonials boast pregnancy within 9 months, many less than 6 months, and most less than 3 months (for couples with no obvious reasons for infertility).

The website boasts:

Each BeeFertile ingredient has been carefully selected to target each area of the reproductive system and provide an optimal combination of vitamins, minerals, and bee products to support and facilitate a healthy reproductive system.

Careful research and study of published medical research, combined with the assistance of Doctors and natural supplement experts, formed the products that are found in the BeeFertile Kits.

The BeeFertile kit was designed to give you a 3 month supply of both the supplement and Royal Jelly formula. We recommend that you finish the 3 month program supplied in the kit for maximum results. Herbs and vitamins, when taken over time, can help to benefit and maximize your reproductive potential. It can take 3 months or more for your body to receive the full benefits of the BeeFertile program. For men, it can take at least 3 months or more to see significant results in sperm count, motility and overall sperm health.

We recommend that you use the BeeFertile kit at least 6 months, which is 2 cycles of the BeeFertile kit, or until successful conception is achieved. BeeFertile can also be used by those with the intention of achieving a healthy reproductive system, in which case, no minimum or maximum is recommended.

My questions are…

1. Is it dangerous to try this?  Will it hurt me, M, or my chances for conceiving?
2. Is it worth it to spend $250.. $500… or even $750 to try this for 3…6…9 months?
3. Should we get an SA first?  How much should we expect to spend for an SA?
4. My uncle threw a fit when he heard we were thinking about trying this.  He tried to say they weren’t a legitimate company and said they didn’t have a physical address.  They do have an address (which I intend to look up on Google Maps just to prove my uncle wrong), and they do seem to be a legitimate company.
5. Has anyone else (aside from Joshua – no offense) heard of BeeFertile, tried it, or know someone who’s tried it?  I’d love to hear from someone who follows my blog or whose blogs I read.

Thanks a heap! -C.C.

PS– I’m 99.99% sure I’m going to start a new cycle on Monday.  I can just feel it.  ='(