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Lost on the IF Highway

In the open… October 20, 2011

Filed under: BeeFertile,Family,Marriage — Lost on the IF Highway @ 11:24 PM

OK. I have to admit it’s kind of nice now that M knows about the blog.  He is a very private person, so I know he doesn’t want me sharing his “business” online, so I will try my best to leave him out of my one-sided conversations when I can, but at this point, this is still my only real source of support concerning my infertility so I just can’t bring myself to let it go and I know that M understands that I need a place I can go for IF support.  Now that he knows about it, I feel a little liberated, and maybe through the blog I will be able to explain things in a way that I may not be able to in other ways.

Even though IF is fairly common (more so than I realized), it’s not like there ‘s someone on every other street corner willing to talk about it.  At least here no one knows who I am and I have never met any of you either.  It makes it so much easier to be candid (and sometimes a little blunt) about how I’m feeling.  I NEED that, and I have no problem whatsoever with M reading (and even editing) my blog.  But I really do need to maintain this source of support, so I’m going to keep blogging throughout my journey, or until I just run out of things to say….  I know when M reads that particular comment that he will know at that point that I will probably have this blog until I die because I never run out of things to say! Haha!

I came to the blog today because I’m having a really bad day and the blog always seems to lift my spirits. I particularly enjoy reading Jackie, Autumn, and Rain’s blogs/comments because they always remind me that I’m not alone and that there are women out there who are happy with their lives, despite IF.

My shipment of BeeFertile should be here any day now.  Even though things have been rocky lately, I’m still excited.  And I’m not even excited for the reasons I thought I would be.  Mostly, I’m excited for the change.  I’m excited to be doing something, anything that could improve my chances of having a baby someday, even if it’s not right away.  And I’ve been doing even MORE research on the ingredients and they seem to be beneficial in so many other ways, besides the fertility benefits.  This is one of my main sources of enthusiasm.  I’m looking forward to the “unintended” benefits of the extra vitamins, minerals, and nutrients.  The truth is, I’ve had “female” problems for so long, and my doctor has said a million times that I should look into natural ways to help take care of some of those issues.  I honestly believe that the issues I’ve been facing are a contributing factor to our IF, although my doctor hasn’t ever truly agreed with me on that point.  I know that a lot of the ingredients in BeeFertile are beneficial for overall women’s health, so that is a strong motivator for me right now, in addition to the intended benefits.

In the last week, I have also come to terms with the fact that a pregnancy is probably not in my very near future.  As you all know, IF takes a huge toll on relationships, not just the relationship with your partner but also your relationships with your friends/family.  As I have discovered, it even screws with the relationships I have with my co–workers (like the moody bundle of pregnant hormones I work with right now).  In light of this, I have had to sort of find my center and come to terms with the fact that it could be years before we have a baby and maybe, just maybe, we won’t have a baby at all.  I’m not okay with that. Don’t get me wrong. I haven’t given up, but I’m less stressed about it, for the meantime at least.  I have to be, because it was starting to take a major toll on my relationships.  I still want a baby with everything that is within me. I don’t go a single moment in my day without thinking about how badly I want to be a mother, but I’ll be okay if it doesn’t happen for another year or two.

The plan, for now, is to start with the 90-day BeeFertile kit.  After that, I told M that if he doesn’t like it he doesn’t have to do it, but I want to keep doing it myself.  It will take some grand financial scheming on my part, because money is pretty tight right now, but even if we took a break on “trying” and just chose to “relax” for a while (like everyone keeps telling me to do), I think I would still want to take it.  If for nothing else, I believe it can’t possibly hurt to improve my reproductive health, because I really do want to have children and there’s no harm in doing everything I can to insure that my body is ready for it when/if  we do get pregnant.  Think of all the women who accidentally became pregnant and their bodies were just as unprepared as they were.  We don’t use any birth control whatsoever.  There’s nothing that says we might not get pregnant by “accident”, and if we are so blessed with a “happy accident” I want to be prepared.

And by the way, people who tell couples facing IF to “just relax” are just ignorant!  I really want to clamp jumper cables onto their asses and tell them to “just relax”.

 

A bump in the road… October 9, 2011

Filed under: Just Life,Marriage,Spiritual — Lost on the IF Highway @ 3:09 PM

Well, I have royally screwed up this time.  M found out about the blog, and in doing so, he found out that I was still hiding things about my past…  This isn’t the first time my past came back to bite me in the ass.  Last year, he found out I had hid the truth about a guy I slept with right before he and I met.  And I’ve hidden guy friends from him before too (ones I didn’t sleep with).  It’s really hard to explain and probably even harder to understand….

In a nutshell, I grew up “in church” – Pentecostal.  There, I had a list of rules and a whole bunch of people dictating who I was and telling me exactly how to live my life.  When I moved away to the city for college, I lost control. I went really wild.  I slept around, drank (a lot), and even tried drugs.  I never wanted M to know any of that. By the time I moved back home (about a year before M and I started dating), I needed a fresh start. I wanted to leave my old life behind so I went back to church looking for someone to tell me it would be alright and hand me a list of rules that would help me feel whole again.  It didn’t work out that way. I was shunned, and there was no one willing to be my conscience anymore. I had to figure it out on my own, and it wasn’t easy.  I made some mistakes along they way.  When I finally let M into my life, that nagging feeling of emptiness and confusion finally left.  It’s not like meeting him helped me to figure it all out, but M gave me a reason to live. He made me want to be a better person, and he gave me a vision of how good my life could be.  From that point on, I wanted to just forget my past had ever happened.  I wanted to walk away from that part of my life, erasing it from my past. All I could think about was moving forward in my life, with M by my side.  It’s like repentance.  When you repent to God, He throws your sins in the sea of forgetfulness – He forgets your sins and you can start over as if they never happened.  That’s what I wanted for my life, and until recently I thought I was almost there – at the point where my past was gone and all I had to worry about was my future.

I was wrong. For some reason, the guilt of my past just got to be too much one day last month and  I published a post about how I felt my past was why we couldn’t have a baby. I was afraid I was being punished for my past, and for not telling M all about it.  I got distracted yesterday while tinkering with the features on the blog and left myself logged in. M came home and found it, and he not only read it, but he misunderstood some of what I said.  I told him the one story that I had been hiding all these years, about a night that I snorted some crushed up pills at a party and (could have) slept with someone, but I don’t really remember anything that happened after I did the pills.  He doesn’t believe that’s all there is to the story, with good reason.  This isn’t the first time I’ve hidden things from him.  It was my most shameful memory, mostly because of  the drugs and who I was with.  Don’t get me wrong, I was a slut back in the day, but my 8 people is not near as bad as some people.  However, this particular guy in this particular setting seemed (to me) to be the worst possible thing I could ever admit to.  That’s why it was the only thing I had left to hide from my husband.  Granted, I don’t even remember a huge chunk of the things I did when I lived in the city.  There were way too many crazy parties and way too much alcohol, but it would take me a lifetime to tell the story of every party and every stupid thing I did.  I didn’t think that was necessary.  I already knew when I got with M that he would never stay with me if he knew everything, and at the time, I didn’t think the past was important.  I am not that girl anymore. I know who I am now. I know what I want, and I don’t want that lifestyle.  I don’t want to be that person.  I thought I could move on with M in my life and forget about all of that.  It’s this damn baby issue that even brought it all out to begin with, the feeling that I’m barren because I’m being punished for my past.

M is really hurt, and he’s really mad about the blog, not that I had a blog as much as the fact that I hid it from him. I know we will work this out, because our love is stronger than this.  M is an amazing man with a huge heart.  I know he deserves better. I’m just trying really hard to be what he needs.  I’ve fought with those feelings of inadequacy for so long, and this definitely does not help.  I know I’ll never be as good as him, as good as he deserves.  That’s why I hid my past from him to begin with.  All I’ve ever wanted is for my past to go away so we can be happy together.  I wish he could understand that the girl I was and the woman I am are two different people.  The hardest part is that I can’t change the things that have already happened.  Hell, I can’t even remember everything that happened back then, much less change it.

I hope this doesn’t hurt our chances of participating in the BeeFertile study.  I’m not sure what will happen with the blog. That’s up to M, I suppose, but we really, really need help conceiving and this is our last chance.  We’ll still be able to send emails to BeeFertile to track our progress… Rain, Autumn, & Jackie -thank you for keeping up with me. I will find you on your blogs and let you know how to reach me if you want to stay in touch, just in case I have to stop the blog.

 

Forgiveness September 24, 2011

Filed under: Infertility,Spiritual — Lost on the IF Highway @ 3:24 PM

I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that God is forgiving, and that He is able to do anything we ask.  I just have a hard time believing that he is willing to do it.  I know that God has forgiven me for my past.  It’s not as bad as I make it sound, but for someone like me, it’s really bad.  I grew up believing that slipping out a curse word, or even wearing pants would send me straight to Hell, so sleeping around my second year of college and then lying to my husband about my past, that’s punishable by death in my world!

I know the Bible says all we have to do is ask for forgiveness and turn away from our sins and we are forgiven, but it also says we will reap what we sew.  That’s where my spirituality and my reality collide.  I think I’m reaping what I’ve sewn. I think we’re facing IF because of my past, or at least because I’ve kept my past a secret from my family and my husband.  I dunno. Maybe only part of me believes that.  After all, the Bible doesn’t say that keeping secrets is a sin, but then again, what is sin?  It’s not like God spelled that one out for us.  I mean, there are the Ten Commandments, but beyond that, He doesn’t really expound on the subject.  I kind of believe that the person defines the sin.  For instance, some people believe polygamy is not a sin, because “in God’s eyes” they are married to all of the people they are sleeping with and are therefore not committing adultery.  I mean, that’s how several people in the Bible “rolled”, isn’t it?  Others believe sleeping with more than one person, EVER in your life, is adultery – whether you’re married at the time or not.  They believe that you are “bound” to every person you ever have sex with, whether you’re legally married or not.  I suppose those are just the two extremes.  I’ll bet that most of us believe somewhere in the middle of all that.  I know I do.  My point is, what may be a sin for me (based on my own spiritual beliefs and convictions) may not be a sin for someone else, and visa-verse.  I grew up going to church with a family who all believed it was a sin to eat pork.  Almost no one else in our church believed that way.  In fact, the church hosted a huge hog roast every year for Labor Day, but to that small family, eating pork was a sin. I honestly believe that God would judge them for eating pork and that they would need to ask forgiveness if they did so, and would also have to reap the consequences.  However, if I chose to eat a BLT, I wouldn’t have to ask forgiveness and there would be no consequences for me, because it’s not a sin for me.

All of that said, in short, I believe that sleeping with the 10 or so people that I slept with in my younger days was a sin because I wasn’t married to them and pretty much had no intention of ever marrying any of them (well, with maybe 1 or 2 exceptions).  I’ve asked for forgiveness, and I believe that God has forgiven me.  I was honest with my husband (to an extent) by telling him that I was not a virgin when we started dating, but he doesn’t know everyone I’ve been with.  I tried to tell him once, but as soon as we started talking about it, I could see how uneasy it made him so I just gave up.  I was afraid that he wouldn’t stick around if he found out how many there were and who they were.  I’ve kept that secret for nearly 8 years now, and I don’t want to ruin my marriage over stuff that happened 10 years ago, but wait!  There’s that “reaping” part.  I always forget about that part when I’m begging God for forgiveness.  Just because He forgives, doesn’t mean that the wheels of fate are not already turning toward my punishment!  Even the forgiven must reap what they sew I suppose.

I have no clue why I’m even blogging about all of this. I suppose it’s just a way for me to work it out in words, since playing it out in my mind doesn’t seem to work…  It’s so hard already, not knowing if I’m “broken,” and feeling like my husband is holding us back from ever discovering the “problem”.  It could be him. It could be me. It could be both of us, or nothing at all.  Maybe part of me is scared to find out.  It’s like someone with cancer not going to the doctor because they’d rather die than hear the bad news.  Maybe I’m part of what is keeping us from moving forward.  Maybe I’m afraid to hear it too.

 

Overdue! September 15, 2011

Filed under: Just Life — Lost on the IF Highway @ 11:03 PM

Okay, so I know that’s a slightly masochistic title for an infertility blog, but if I don’t try to find some semblance of humor in my situation I will just be depressed ALL THE TIME, so pardon my dark humor while I try to compose a LONG-overdue update!!!

I don’t even know where to begin… Let’s see…  Well, I’ll just start with school and go from there….

SCHOOL ~ I finished school on Sept. 5th (Labor Day, ironically enough).  (I just wrote about three paragraphs and deleted them. Good Lord.)  Anyway…  I didn’t graduate with honors but I ended with a 3.49 GPA and I guess that’s good enough.  Hell, I’m just glad to be done.  It may only be a BS in Business MGT, but I earned it and I WAS pretty damn proud of it, until my family had to put a damper on it.  I practically had to break down in tears to get my husband to say he was proud of me.  My mother’s response was “That’s great” (in a less-than-enthusiastic tone) when I told her I had just turned in my last paper.  My sister (S) is jealous, when she doesn’t even have the slightest inkling of an interest in college.  S’s greatest ambition is to someday manage the dollar store where she works.  The ONLY person who didn’t have to be reminded I was graduating before saying she was proud of me was my M-I-L (B).  B actually called me a couple of days after I finished school to tell me how proud she was.  My own mother can’t even call me just to say hello, much less for something like that, but my husband’s mother wanted to throw me a party!

My best friend was talking over the summer about how we needed to have a get-together to celebrate my graduation, especially since it will be too expensive and too long a drive for me to attend commencement (I finished the last two years of my degree online).  When I told my husband I wanted to celebrate, he wanted to have a “weenie roast” with “10-20 people” at our house.  That means ME cleaning before and ME cleaning after, and that wasn’t exactly what I’d had in mind.  I wanted to have enough room for both our families and some friends, and his family alone leaves standing room only in our house.  He has a billion aunts, uncles, and cousins, and we’re a really tight family.  I would have to invite them all if I invited one of them.  It’s getting cold out and I wanted the kids to be welcome, so something outside like that is just illogical anyway.  I mentioned it to B and she said we could rent a local civic center for $50 and my friend would DJ for 5 hrs for $100.  I thought that sounded great, but M said that was “silly” and a “waste”.  Then, my best friend “Chi” said she probably wouldn’t be able to come because she herself is in school and Sundays are her “only days off”.  Sunday is also one of M’s days off and he works Saturday nights, so we were going to do a potluck dinner on a Sunday.  If my husband thinks it’s silly, my own mother doesn’t seem to care and won’t even offer to help pay for it, and my best friend can’t be there, what the hell is the point?  Part of the reason I went back to school was to make the people I love proud of me, and that was an epic fail, apparently!  I mean, I didn’t even graduate with honors like I wanted to, and it’s not going to get me a promotion anytime soon.  My boss is 22 years old and has a year of community college under his belt.  I’m thinking I aimed high for no reason…Sigh… and missed anyway.  Still, I feel like having the party at this point would be like a Queen hosting a parade in her own honor and making everyone show up to cheer her on – self promotion and empty compliments, not really my thing.  Self pity on the other hand…

WORK ~ Well, I like my job, and my boss is actually a pretty cool “kid”, even if he is just “the boss’s son” and about 10 years younger than me.  He goes to bat for his people (against his own mother – The Ice Queen, Dragon Lady, and Class A Bitch).  I have to give him props for that because she scares the HOLY SHIT out of me.  However, I’m driving 50 mi, round trip, every day.  I only make $9/hour, and the benefits are “just okay”.  It’s definitely nothing spectacular, and to top it all off, I found out they hired me to groom me to take someone’s place.. during her maternity leave.  She’s almost three months prego now.  She was only a few weeks when I started, and only she and my boss knew about it when I was hired.  She’s my team leader so I’m honored that they thought so highly of me that they hired me to be her protege’.  Basically, she is going to move up in the company some day (that is, if she doesn’t decide to stay home with her kids after Baby #2 gets here).  That means, they specifically hired me to take her place. They want me to be as good (if not better) than her someday.  That speaks volumes, but I’m terribly worried that I won’t be able to keep up with the bills on this salary.  $1100 take home per month is rather scant!  Granted, it’s more than I was making PT at the college, but with my student loans quickly creeping up on me, I have to figure something out fast!

Being joined at the hip with a woman who constantly talks about baby stuff is KILLING ME.  She’s already picking out names, and it’s practically ALL she talks about.  I have to listen to her COMPLAIN about having her bridesmaid dress re-fitted to accommodate her “baby bump” (which is smaller than the ponch I fold into my slacks every morning) for her friend’s wedding, and how tired she is.  She talks about her cravings, baby names, morning sickness, and how this is “definitely her last one”.  All I can think is, “I WOULD TRADE YOU IN A HEARTBEAT, YOU BIG CRYBABY!”  I finally spoke up today and (as nicely as possible) suggested that there were probably hundreds of infertile women in the world who would trade places with her.  It didn’t stop the baby name discussion (which has become somewhat of a silly game in our department), but at least I don’t have to listen to her whining anymore.  I made her listen to me today…

IF NEWS ~ WARNING: GRAPHIC CONTENT…  I knew it was “about that time,” but my recent periods have been weird.  I have no cramps or any signs, aside from maybe some vague moodiness and then all of a sudden I will wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I’m being cut in half from the inside out.  I actually thought I was having a miscarriage this morning. I’ve never had one before, but I think I can now imagine what it’s like.  I woke about 5:30 AM with seizing pains in my lower back, so extreme I could barely move. I had sharp, stabbing pains IN my vagina.  It actually felt like something was stretching me from the inside.  My abdomen was hot to the touch, even after sitting on the stool for a good 15 minutes.  Even still, after about 12 Midol today, I’m still in pain, but I’m functioning.  I wasn’t this morning.  I crawled to the bathroom and pulled myself up on the stool, trying to hold in whatever was trying to come out of me, and when I “relaxed”, it was just a bunch of watery blood.  It sounded like I was peeing, but I wasn’t.  After some Midol and a REALLY hot shower, I was finally able to walk, but still in pain. I spent the entire day suffering through bouts of what I can only describe as “contractions”, but nothing unusual has come out of me since the “bloody water” this morning.  It’s just been my standard yuck that usually comes out on the first day of my period, but I can’t believe how much pain and bloating I’m having, and I think I’m actually a few days early, which is strange.  I’ve had exactly 27-day cycles for almost a year now and all of a sudden I’m early?  I think it was instigated by a fight with M last night. It seems like if we fight or have sex too close to the start of my period, I will either start early or have a really heavy start.  I know that sounds weird (especially as a reaction to fighting with him) but I can only report on what I have experienced, and that’s how it seems to be, to me anyway.

We haven’t started the Bee Fertile yet, but we plan to by Christmas.  I went from April to July with no work. The money we were supposed to use to clear some trees from our property, buy the Bee Fertile, and pay on some of my student loans was used to pay bills and buy M a “new” vehicle while I was off work.  He had to have a new truck, and before I quit my job I had promised him some of our savings could go toward a down payment.  Instead, we just bought a used truck outright.  It couldn’t wait, and we were uncertain what kind (if any) work I would be getting .  Using our savings to buy it outright was the better option.

I’m making Bee Fertile my top financial priority right now. I know some of you are reading this and thinking I’m poor white trash. Quite frankly, I really don’t care what you think of me. I’m a good person, and I’m just as infertile as those rich bitches that go out and buy their children.  I can’t afford IVF or adoption.  Bee Fertile is my last ditch effort before I just give up.  So, excuse me if I have to “save up” to spend $300 on a 3-month supply of what we are hoping is a our miracle.  There are people out there who have dropped 10 times that amount on one IF treatment or dr’s visit. I know this.  There are people who have sold their houses and gave up practically everything to have a baby. I know this.  We don’t have anything to give up.  We live simple lives so when it comes to our IF, we have to keep that simple too, even though it’s VERY complicated.  We are just having faith that if we give up what little we can that God will bless us for it…

SPEAKING OF GOD ~ We haven’t gone to church in almost a year.  It’s mostly M, but it’s me too.  Our church is 45 mins away, but he won’t go anywhere else. I LOVE our church and our pastor, but there’s just so much keeping me away…  M doesn’t think church is necessary for salvation, or for life.  He only goes when I REALLY beg him, or for holidays.  He says he prays and has a personal relationship with God.  I told him that screaming His name during sex and begging Him to help during times of need didn’t constitute a relationship, but he insists he has a private prayer life.  So do I, but that’s not good enough for me, and no matter how hard I try to explain it to him, he doesn’t get it….  I honestly feel like our IF is God’s way of punishing me.. For that one night stand 10 years ago, for lying to M about my ex before we were married, for not going to church. I dunno. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but this is a huge burden to be carrying around.  I feel SO GUILTY that M will never trust me 100% (because he found out after we were married about my “little white lie”), and that we can’t have a baby.  I know he wants to have kids, and I know how he feels about the lie and how it affects him, and I live with a MOUND of guilt on my shoulders every single day.  I’ve prayed for forgiveness, but even if God forgives me, I don’t feel like M does.  He says we can just adopt as far as the baby is concerned, but I’m not ready to give up….  I can’t help but to think if we would pray harder, maybe do some fasting, or go to church more often that maybe God would change His mind about allowing us to be parents.  I can’t change the whole trust thing. I just try to never put myself in questionable situations and to never ever give M another reason not to trust me, no reason whatsoever.  That’s all I can do, isn’t it?

Well, that’s enough whining and moaning for one day.  It’s probably the hormones talking anyway.  PMS is such a bitch!  I’ll try to update more often and put a few positive notes in there next time.

 

Still Among the Living August 8, 2011

Filed under: Family,Just Life,Work/School — Lost on the IF Highway @ 6:58 PM

I only have a few minutes. M will be home soon.  I just wanted to let everyone know that I’m still alive.  He had two weeks off work and then I was sick for a week, and I’ve been working the last three weeks at my new job (see my reply to Autumn on 8/8/11). On top of all that, we had the derby over the weekend (I won a 4th place trophy – M took 5th).  And for the cherry on the cake, I’m in my last four weeks of school before I finish my BS in Business Management.  It’s just been crazy.  With M being off for two weeks, I couldn’t blog because he was always home.

There’s much more to tell, but it will have to wait. Perhaps I will have more time this week as things get back to normal.

 

Disrespect or just a dry patch? July 12, 2011

Filed under: Just Life,Marriage — Lost on the IF Highway @ 1:20 PM

I feel like M has lost all respect for me as his wife.  I’m hoping it’s just a phase, but I really don’t know.  Since I “quit” my job in April, he has gradually started doing things that, to me, seem disrespectful.  My sister, S, and her son, G, live with us. Until I quit working, she didn’t have a job.  To “earn her keep” she was basically in charge of  the general upkeep of the house. Around the same time I quit working she got a job and she hasn’t done much around the house ever since, even though she only works part-time.  She does dishes or takes the trash out maybe once every other week. I’m pretty much solely responsible for the upkeep of the house because she won’t help, and M acts like it’s my responsibility since I’m not working. I can kind of understand that, but I was still doing some chores even when I was working two jobs and going to school full-time, even when S was supposed to be doing it.  Now that the tables are turned, not only am I responsible for the entire house and the kids, but M acts like I should have to clean up after everyone too, especially him.  I can see cleaning up after G. He’s only three years old, but I shouldn’t have to clean up after M, S, and SJ.  They’re all old enough to clean up after themselves.  M leaves trash lying around. He’ll even lay it on the counter next to the trash closet, as if he’s incapable of opening the door to the closet and tossing it in the trash.  He’ll leave his dirty plate with food still on it sitting next to the sink!  He just started doing all of this out of nowhere in the last several weeks and I don’t know how to react. When I tell him he’s being disrespectful, he acts like he has no idea what I’m talking about.

The other thing that I’ve noticed is that he’s been leaving a lot of the spending to me.  I have no income. I only have the savings.  I just don’t know what to do.

 

Rollercoasters, Demolition Derbies, & Wine Trails June 23, 2011

Filed under: BeeFertile,Infertility,Just Life — Lost on the IF Highway @ 12:17 PM
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I know the title of this post is crazy. You’ll get it if you read to the end… I’ll be the first to admit I can sometimes be a hateful, bitter, bitch.  I am definitely more pessimistic than optimistic most days.  I think it’s one of my greatest faults as a human being. So many people have influenced me to try to be a better person, but I sometimes wonder if it’s just a part of my genetic make-up that I cannot change.  I’m not one to spend hours on my knees in prayer. I don’t often go out of my way to be nice to someone, although I would count myself as generous.  I just don’t focus my life on trying to save people’s souls, I don’t work in a soup kitchen or homeless shelter, and I don’t do much charity work. I’m usually too busy trying to keep my own life together. I cuss way too much. I’m sometimes rude and bossy.  I’m too hard on my husband’s adopted daughter (my stepdaughter, SJ).  I have given up trying to get along with certain family members, my sister in particular.  I’ve sworn off my biological father and have even wished he would die before.  I’m just a TERRIBLE person!  To be honest, this whole IF thing has only made it worse and I am just so sick of feeling so negative and grouchy all the time. It’s like I’m constantly suffering from PMS!  Granted, I’m not mean to everyone; I do work with Relay for Life, and I do want a career that is fulfilling and meaningful where I can be of help to people, but the majority of my days I just feel like I’m a hateful, terrible person.

I’ve been trying to think of ways to fix all the negativity in my life.  My mother’s advice is to give up on the “baby thing” because it’s “undo stress” that I don’t need. She doesn’t get that I DO need it!  It’s the one thing I want more than anything in my life.  I grew up in a church where God, the church, and family were THE MOST important things in my life.  I grew up living for other people and their rules, so I shy away from a religious answer.  Yes. I do feel I should pray more, cuss less, and be nicer, but I just shy away from believing that church is the answer.  I think if I really work at it I can make this change on my own…

I really thought I was pregnant this time.  I haven’t missed a period or had a late period in years.  I’ve been feeling sick and just… weird.  I’ve had some of the “symptoms”.  I really, really thought this could be it!  I didn’t have a single cramp or a spike in temperature like I normally do, nothing.  Everything pointed to “pregnant” (except the PT’s of course).  I just thought I was one of those women that couldn’t POAS and I would need a blood test, but I wanted to wait another week before I went to the doctor. Good thing I did.  I would have looked like a moron if I had gone to the doctor yesterday, because it would have been negative. I started early this morning.  Out of nowhere, I woke up to pee (for the millionth time) and when I wiped, there was blood.  It wasn’t just a little bit like when my mole was bleeding.  It was about the size of a nickel, so I wiped again, another drop, and another.  I put a pad on and went back to bed until I woke up feeling like my right ovary was going to explode.  That was all I needed. I got up, put in a tampon and got in the shower.  I sat in the floor of the shower for probably 20 minutes, just crying and staring at the little bits of face scrub on the shower wall that M didn’t rinse out when he took a shower last night.  Other than the pain in my ovary, I still haven’t had any cramps, bloating, or headaches like I usually get.  I usually have SEVERE PMS and this time it’s incredibly mild comparably.

I’ll admit it – I’m pissed off!  I’m SO ANGRY.  I just can’t understand why God chose me to be his little ant under the magnifying glass.  I have no job, no baby. I’m feeling incredibly useless, worthless, and just… ANGRY.  I don’t want to feel angry. I want to be happy, no matter what life throws at me, like the coupon lady.  I took a couponing class the other day and the coupon lady was just so.. happy.  She told a story about how her husband got very sick and had to take off work for several months and her family was starving.. and she did it with a smile on her face, giving all the credit to God. She talked about how she prayed and how she knew God would never forsake her and He would give her the wisdom to figure out a way to put food on her family’s table.. and of course HE DID.  She started “extreme couponing” and the next thing you know, there’s food on the table, her husband is getting better, and she gives all the credit to God.  I wish I could be so positive!!!

So, in my weak attempt to be positive today, I’m trying to think of all the things I was going to miss out on had I been pregnant.  I want to count myself “lucky” because I will still be able to do these things this summer…  We have a trip to Six Flags scheduled for July 17th.  Last year, we went in June and my SIL (C) was about one week pregnant and didn’t know it.  She rode the rides and had her fun and THEN she found out a few weeks later she was pregnant and the baby (E) came out just perfect in March of this year…  So, I will not miss the rollercoasters………  Demolition Derbies – Well, I have a car sitting in my driveway that I paid $400 for so that I could drive it in the demo derby on August 5th.  My husband and I’s first “official” date was on August 6th, 2004.  He was driving in the county demo derby and he invited me to come along.  I watched with excitement and we hung out until 7am the next morning.  Ever since, the derby has been a part of my life.  Our entire year centers around the demolition derby.  Last year I ran in the compact cars for the first time as a driver (alongside my husband and our friends) and I took 5th place out of 20+ cars.  I was hooked!  I was gonna have to find someone to drive my car for me this year, or put the car aside for next year, but I don’t have to do that now!  Maybe this year I will finish with a trophy or even money!….  And wine trails – Every year we go south to the wine trails for my friend (Chi’s) birthday.  She’ll be 35 this year in August.  Chi, C, Ti, Tay, and I eat lunch and then drive down south about an hour to visit about 5-6 of the 15 wineries.  One in particular has this sangria that I actually start CRAVING this time of year.  Then, we go to Red Lobster for dinner and go watch a movie or go shopping before heading home.  This year, I don’t have to miss the wine trails.

M and I discussed earlier this week that if I wasn’t pregnant we would buy the BeeFertile and start right away.  We wanted to be pregnant by Christmas.  I’m thinking I need a break.  We have so much going on this summer already, and I will be done with school Sept. 5th.  Maybe we could wait about a month, then start taking the BeeFertile.  It seems like it takes a minimum of 3 months and a maximum of 9 months for most couples to see results.  And I think we’re going to stop the crazy positions, the BBT, the hectic rituals that are living with IF, and just relax for a month or two.  We can enjoy our summer.  We can start the BeeFertile in July or August and then pick back up with the BBT, the charts, the P’ing OAS all over again.  Maybe by then I will have a job (and hopefully some insurance) and there will be less to worry about.  And I won’t have to worry about school.  Who knows? Maybe S and G will have moved out by then too so that we can FINALLY have the house to ourselves for the first time ever since we first moved in together before we were even married!!!  Wouldn’t it be nice to have some alone time before a baby comes?

So, I think that’s the plan. I haven’t cleared it with M yet, but he seems a lot more relaxed over the whole thing than I am anyway.  He seems to think he should just start taking testosterone shots and that would help.  He’s crazy!  And I know that he only wants the shots because he knows it will help to raise his bench and make him “look better”.  It has far more to do with his gym regimen than his wish for a baby.

Anyway, so that’s my sad attempt at looking at the brighter side of this whole situation.  Actually, this is an amazing feat for me, considering I started today and I am usually the bitch from Hell on the first day of my period.  I just hope I can relax and enjoy my summer without thinking about babies too much.