Lost on the IF Highway

In the open… October 20, 2011

Filed under: BeeFertile,Family,Marriage — Lost on the IF Highway @ 11:24 PM

OK. I have to admit it’s kind of nice now that M knows about the blog.  He is a very private person, so I know he doesn’t want me sharing his “business” online, so I will try my best to leave him out of my one-sided conversations when I can, but at this point, this is still my only real source of support concerning my infertility so I just can’t bring myself to let it go and I know that M understands that I need a place I can go for IF support.  Now that he knows about it, I feel a little liberated, and maybe through the blog I will be able to explain things in a way that I may not be able to in other ways.

Even though IF is fairly common (more so than I realized), it’s not like there ‘s someone on every other street corner willing to talk about it.  At least here no one knows who I am and I have never met any of you either.  It makes it so much easier to be candid (and sometimes a little blunt) about how I’m feeling.  I NEED that, and I have no problem whatsoever with M reading (and even editing) my blog.  But I really do need to maintain this source of support, so I’m going to keep blogging throughout my journey, or until I just run out of things to say….  I know when M reads that particular comment that he will know at that point that I will probably have this blog until I die because I never run out of things to say! Haha!

I came to the blog today because I’m having a really bad day and the blog always seems to lift my spirits. I particularly enjoy reading Jackie, Autumn, and Rain’s blogs/comments because they always remind me that I’m not alone and that there are women out there who are happy with their lives, despite IF.

My shipment of BeeFertile should be here any day now.  Even though things have been rocky lately, I’m still excited.  And I’m not even excited for the reasons I thought I would be.  Mostly, I’m excited for the change.  I’m excited to be doing something, anything that could improve my chances of having a baby someday, even if it’s not right away.  And I’ve been doing even MORE research on the ingredients and they seem to be beneficial in so many other ways, besides the fertility benefits.  This is one of my main sources of enthusiasm.  I’m looking forward to the “unintended” benefits of the extra vitamins, minerals, and nutrients.  The truth is, I’ve had “female” problems for so long, and my doctor has said a million times that I should look into natural ways to help take care of some of those issues.  I honestly believe that the issues I’ve been facing are a contributing factor to our IF, although my doctor hasn’t ever truly agreed with me on that point.  I know that a lot of the ingredients in BeeFertile are beneficial for overall women’s health, so that is a strong motivator for me right now, in addition to the intended benefits.

In the last week, I have also come to terms with the fact that a pregnancy is probably not in my very near future.  As you all know, IF takes a huge toll on relationships, not just the relationship with your partner but also your relationships with your friends/family.  As I have discovered, it even screws with the relationships I have with my co–workers (like the moody bundle of pregnant hormones I work with right now).  In light of this, I have had to sort of find my center and come to terms with the fact that it could be years before we have a baby and maybe, just maybe, we won’t have a baby at all.  I’m not okay with that. Don’t get me wrong. I haven’t given up, but I’m less stressed about it, for the meantime at least.  I have to be, because it was starting to take a major toll on my relationships.  I still want a baby with everything that is within me. I don’t go a single moment in my day without thinking about how badly I want to be a mother, but I’ll be okay if it doesn’t happen for another year or two.

The plan, for now, is to start with the 90-day BeeFertile kit.  After that, I told M that if he doesn’t like it he doesn’t have to do it, but I want to keep doing it myself.  It will take some grand financial scheming on my part, because money is pretty tight right now, but even if we took a break on “trying” and just chose to “relax” for a while (like everyone keeps telling me to do), I think I would still want to take it.  If for nothing else, I believe it can’t possibly hurt to improve my reproductive health, because I really do want to have children and there’s no harm in doing everything I can to insure that my body is ready for it when/if  we do get pregnant.  Think of all the women who accidentally became pregnant and their bodies were just as unprepared as they were.  We don’t use any birth control whatsoever.  There’s nothing that says we might not get pregnant by “accident”, and if we are so blessed with a “happy accident” I want to be prepared.

And by the way, people who tell couples facing IF to “just relax” are just ignorant!  I really want to clamp jumper cables onto their asses and tell them to “just relax”.


Still Among the Living August 8, 2011

Filed under: Family,Just Life,Work/School — Lost on the IF Highway @ 6:58 PM

I only have a few minutes. M will be home soon.  I just wanted to let everyone know that I’m still alive.  He had two weeks off work and then I was sick for a week, and I’ve been working the last three weeks at my new job (see my reply to Autumn on 8/8/11). On top of all that, we had the derby over the weekend (I won a 4th place trophy – M took 5th).  And for the cherry on the cake, I’m in my last four weeks of school before I finish my BS in Business Management.  It’s just been crazy.  With M being off for two weeks, I couldn’t blog because he was always home.

There’s much more to tell, but it will have to wait. Perhaps I will have more time this week as things get back to normal.


Really? May 19, 2011

Filed under: Family,Just Life — Lost on the IF Highway @ 11:15 PM
Tags: ,

OK, so my title sucks, but I just needed to rant for a short moment and I just didn’t have the time or patience to come up with a good title….

I’m helping to raise my stepdaughter. She usually spends most of the week with us, but her mother (T) has temporarily taken an interest in her the last couple of weeks, so she’s been with T all week.  Today, at 2:40pm, T texted me and asked me to pick SH up from school. That’s fine. I’m used to picking her up every Thursday anyway (even before I quit working) so no big deal, but some notice would have been nice.  20 minutes before school gets out isn’t exactly prior notice when it takes that long to get across town and I have to tote G with me, which involves putting shoes on a 3-y.o., car seat, etc.

Anyway… The McDonald’s in town remodeled and just re-opened after several months. Of course, they had Ronald, a petting zoo, and all that jazz there for the grand opening (or re-opening, whatever).  My sister insisted we take the kids – fine. Cool with me. She said we would leave when she got home at 4pm.  We didn’t leave ’til 5pm – an HOUR late. The line for pics with Ronald was 40 minutes long, and of course there were a million other things to do.  Wouldn’t you know it, I missed my Zumba class AGAIN this week.

I usually go to Zumba 3-4 times a week, and since S started working I’ve missed six classes – I’ve only been twice. As if that isn’t bad enough, SJ obviously hasn’t been sleeping enough while at Mommy’s because she’s super whiny.  My SIL (C) was playing “footsie” just goofing around with her and accidentally tapped her in the shin. It wasn’t deliberate and it certainly wasn’t hard, but SJ started bawling like C had slapped her in the face or something. I saw it all go down and there was no reason for her to bawl like a baby. C felt terrible.  I told SJ to “cowgirl up” (like my MIL & hubby always tell her to do) and my sis has the nerve to tell me I’m being too hard on her, when all she ever does w/G is scream at him. WTH?  Suddenly she is Super Mom and I’m a terrible stepmother for trying to give my stepdaughter a backbone?

It’s not that I didn’t think it hurt at all, but I saw the child fall and slit her leg wide open on a piece of broken porcelain and she didn’t cry once until we told her we were going to the ER.  There’s no reason for her to cry over something like this.  She was just tired and moody. I’m certain it’s her mother’s fault for letting her stay up late, but she’s 10 years old. She’s getting to the age where she needs to learn these lessons in life.  Sometimes it’s okay to cry, like last week when she nearly ripped her toenail off riding her scooter with no shoes on (again at her mother’s house).  I just don’t want her to cry every single time she gets a little knocked around. I don’t want her to be picked on for it. If she cries at everything she’ll be pegged a wimp and become an easy target.  It would have been fine had M been the one to handle it, but because it’s me, S jumps all over me. Bullshit!

Then, we get home and S goes on an on about how bad her feet hurt. I thought, I’m sorry. I’ve been taking care of your son all week without a break (and no pay), plus doing homework constantly (because I have 9500 written words, four days of participation, and a final exam all due this Saturday).  I have a cyst on my tailbone the size of a marble that hurts so bad I can’t sit down, and I just toted a 32-pound child on my hip for the last three hours, and you’re tired because you worked a measly five hours today. Are you kidding me?  BTW- I used to do all of this AND work full-time!

Okay. Sorry for ranting so much today. I must be getting ready to start or something because my hormones and moods are ALL OVER the place today, and I am just a class A bitch today!  My apologies for taking it out on my blogger friends…



Playing Mommy/Raising a Sister

Filed under: Family,Just Life — Lost on the IF Highway @ 5:04 PM

Just as I lose my job, my sister FINALLY gets one!  Yay! That’s good news, right?  Well, maybe.  My sister and her son (S and G) have been living with us for over a year and a half. When they moved here from Kentucky, he was about 18 months old and was not talking much at all. He hadn’t even started to try walking.  Apparently, my aunt and uncle (with whom S & G lived in Kentucky) didn’t like him to “bother” them while they were watching TV (which was almost constantly). They hadn’t had a baby living in the house for quite some time. They are retired, and they enjoy their peace and quiet.  This meant G had to spend most of his time in his room, where there was no room to play, walk, or even crawl.  He wasn’t being stimulated in any way.  My sister (being as clueless as she is) had no clue what he should be saying/doing at this stage in his life, so she just ignored him unless he needed fed or changed, or if she was feeling froggy and actually wanted to play with him.

They started visiting quite often after G was born. They visited once when he was a year old and I noticed how behind he was developmentally so I said something to S and my Dad about it (who also lives in Kentucky).  I nagged at S enough until she decided it was time to move back to Illinois, but she wasn’t sure where she wanted to live, or where she would go even. She hadn’t had a job since about a year or so before G was born. I told her up front that my husband and I did NOT want her to move in, because we were finally getting rid of our best friend, EL. (We love him, but it was time for him to move out after two years!)  We had just bought the house when he moved in, so we had never had our OWN place with NO ONE else living with us.  She threw a big fit, cried some tears and next thing I knew, they were moving in. I don’t think I ever even said Yes!

Here we are a year and a half later and my, how things have changed!  G just turned 3 y.o.! He’s so grown up! He talks constantly!  He tells me, “Sissy (that’s what he calls me). Get me chaw mook, please”. (Chaw mook is chocolate milk, btw.)  He can tell me what he wants, what color it is, how old he is, all the fur babies’ names, and he even knows some of his numbers. I’m very proud of the progress he has made. His mother, on the other hand, needs some help, and I’m definitely the last person on Earth capable of helping her. She DOES NOT listen to me.  I have always been the big sister that swoops in and saves the day, and somehow she still resents me.  She has lived here rent & utility free for 19 months and has never even said Thank you, much less does she pull her weight with the housekeeping.  Even when I worked and was going to school full-time and she did NOTHING all day, she would do the dishes (maybe) and call it a hard day’s work.  I came home to a dirty house and woke up to a dirty house. When I brought it up, she would threaten to take G away, and I couldn’t BARE to see that happen.  He is the light of my life right now. He’s a good reason to stay alive!  When you’re facing this kind of frustration and depression with IF, it’s good to have a reason like G.

S finally got a job a couple of weeks ago.  She’s been working a lot (though it’s still technically part-time), so I have been playing “Mommy” with G while she works.  It’s nice, because her state aid will actually pay me to do something I was already doing to begin with.  With me not working, I can spend time working with him on some of his skills (numbers, letters, etc.) over the summer and try to get him potty trained.  I see it as a win-win for now.

Since S has never established a routine or paid much attention to his diet, I have been putting him to bed and getting him up early, making sure he gets regular baths, and trying to feed him healthy meals and snacks.  It’s hard because he’s not a big eater and he’s very picky, but I can already see his mood, attitude, and energy improving.  He actually ASKED to go to bed last night at 9:30pm. That’s the earliest he’s ever gone to bed on his own, and he didn’t fight me for one second to lay down.

I also noticed that my “motherly instincts” have kicked in, without me realizing that’s what was happening.  I realized it today when I took him and my stepdaughter to the park after SH got out of school.  When we got there, G instantly started climbing around on this combination monkey bar-slide-stairs-type of apparatus.  Every time he got close to the edge of a platform, started going too fast up the stairs, or acted like he would try out the monkey bars I could physically feel this tingle in my hands and feet and my heart would stop.  I didn’t realize I was also holding my breath until I’d done it about a dozen times.  I’ve felt that way about SH several times too, but she was already nearly four years old when I came around, and my husband (M) did most of the worrying for both of us.

For some reason, it’s different with G. I think it’s because M and I (mostly me) are really the only ones responsible for him.  S basically ignores him unless she is getting onto him.  That leaves M and me there to take care of him, teach him, love him, and just RAISE him basically.  With SH, her mother was still somewhat involved, and my MIL (M’s mom) to this day spends at least two days a week with her. We aren’t the only ones there to take care of her, so I feel like the load is lifted a little bit, but with G, I feel like I want him to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that he is loved, and I want him to be safe.

There are days when I wish my sister would just say, “Take him” and leave, but I know it STILL wouldn’t be the same, not even as much as I love him.  I still wouldn’t have “my” baby. As happy as SH and G make me, I just don’t know that there will ever be a replacement for carrying my own baby… However, my sister (S) is also looking for apartments. Thank goodness the state also has housing assistance for single moms. I personally would never dream of applying for aid (except maybe medical benefits, if I was even eligible – which I am not).  But she can’t get by without some sort of help. It’s amazing how two people raised in the same household can be so entirely different.  Anyway, M thinks once S gets out on her own she will eventually realize she can’t hack it.  Since I will already be taking care of G most of the time anyway, M honestly believes she will give him to us.  I really don’t think that will happen, because she enjoys the state aid too much, but I guess we can’t help but to hope. I would LOVE it if we could have SH, G, and our own baby. That would be a dream come true!!!