Lost on the IF Highway

In the open… October 20, 2011

Filed under: BeeFertile,Family,Marriage — Lost on the IF Highway @ 11:24 PM

OK. I have to admit it’s kind of nice now that M knows about the blog.  He is a very private person, so I know he doesn’t want me sharing his “business” online, so I will try my best to leave him out of my one-sided conversations when I can, but at this point, this is still my only real source of support concerning my infertility so I just can’t bring myself to let it go and I know that M understands that I need a place I can go for IF support.  Now that he knows about it, I feel a little liberated, and maybe through the blog I will be able to explain things in a way that I may not be able to in other ways.

Even though IF is fairly common (more so than I realized), it’s not like there ‘s someone on every other street corner willing to talk about it.  At least here no one knows who I am and I have never met any of you either.  It makes it so much easier to be candid (and sometimes a little blunt) about how I’m feeling.  I NEED that, and I have no problem whatsoever with M reading (and even editing) my blog.  But I really do need to maintain this source of support, so I’m going to keep blogging throughout my journey, or until I just run out of things to say….  I know when M reads that particular comment that he will know at that point that I will probably have this blog until I die because I never run out of things to say! Haha!

I came to the blog today because I’m having a really bad day and the blog always seems to lift my spirits. I particularly enjoy reading Jackie, Autumn, and Rain’s blogs/comments because they always remind me that I’m not alone and that there are women out there who are happy with their lives, despite IF.

My shipment of BeeFertile should be here any day now.  Even though things have been rocky lately, I’m still excited.  And I’m not even excited for the reasons I thought I would be.  Mostly, I’m excited for the change.  I’m excited to be doing something, anything that could improve my chances of having a baby someday, even if it’s not right away.  And I’ve been doing even MORE research on the ingredients and they seem to be beneficial in so many other ways, besides the fertility benefits.  This is one of my main sources of enthusiasm.  I’m looking forward to the “unintended” benefits of the extra vitamins, minerals, and nutrients.  The truth is, I’ve had “female” problems for so long, and my doctor has said a million times that I should look into natural ways to help take care of some of those issues.  I honestly believe that the issues I’ve been facing are a contributing factor to our IF, although my doctor hasn’t ever truly agreed with me on that point.  I know that a lot of the ingredients in BeeFertile are beneficial for overall women’s health, so that is a strong motivator for me right now, in addition to the intended benefits.

In the last week, I have also come to terms with the fact that a pregnancy is probably not in my very near future.  As you all know, IF takes a huge toll on relationships, not just the relationship with your partner but also your relationships with your friends/family.  As I have discovered, it even screws with the relationships I have with my co–workers (like the moody bundle of pregnant hormones I work with right now).  In light of this, I have had to sort of find my center and come to terms with the fact that it could be years before we have a baby and maybe, just maybe, we won’t have a baby at all.  I’m not okay with that. Don’t get me wrong. I haven’t given up, but I’m less stressed about it, for the meantime at least.  I have to be, because it was starting to take a major toll on my relationships.  I still want a baby with everything that is within me. I don’t go a single moment in my day without thinking about how badly I want to be a mother, but I’ll be okay if it doesn’t happen for another year or two.

The plan, for now, is to start with the 90-day BeeFertile kit.  After that, I told M that if he doesn’t like it he doesn’t have to do it, but I want to keep doing it myself.  It will take some grand financial scheming on my part, because money is pretty tight right now, but even if we took a break on “trying” and just chose to “relax” for a while (like everyone keeps telling me to do), I think I would still want to take it.  If for nothing else, I believe it can’t possibly hurt to improve my reproductive health, because I really do want to have children and there’s no harm in doing everything I can to insure that my body is ready for it when/if  we do get pregnant.  Think of all the women who accidentally became pregnant and their bodies were just as unprepared as they were.  We don’t use any birth control whatsoever.  There’s nothing that says we might not get pregnant by “accident”, and if we are so blessed with a “happy accident” I want to be prepared.

And by the way, people who tell couples facing IF to “just relax” are just ignorant!  I really want to clamp jumper cables onto their asses and tell them to “just relax”.


A bump in the road… October 9, 2011

Filed under: Just Life,Marriage,Spiritual — Lost on the IF Highway @ 3:09 PM

Well, I have royally screwed up this time.  M found out about the blog, and in doing so, he found out that I was still hiding things about my past…  This isn’t the first time my past came back to bite me in the ass.  Last year, he found out I had hid the truth about a guy I slept with right before he and I met.  And I’ve hidden guy friends from him before too (ones I didn’t sleep with).  It’s really hard to explain and probably even harder to understand….

In a nutshell, I grew up “in church” – Pentecostal.  There, I had a list of rules and a whole bunch of people dictating who I was and telling me exactly how to live my life.  When I moved away to the city for college, I lost control. I went really wild.  I slept around, drank (a lot), and even tried drugs.  I never wanted M to know any of that. By the time I moved back home (about a year before M and I started dating), I needed a fresh start. I wanted to leave my old life behind so I went back to church looking for someone to tell me it would be alright and hand me a list of rules that would help me feel whole again.  It didn’t work out that way. I was shunned, and there was no one willing to be my conscience anymore. I had to figure it out on my own, and it wasn’t easy.  I made some mistakes along they way.  When I finally let M into my life, that nagging feeling of emptiness and confusion finally left.  It’s not like meeting him helped me to figure it all out, but M gave me a reason to live. He made me want to be a better person, and he gave me a vision of how good my life could be.  From that point on, I wanted to just forget my past had ever happened.  I wanted to walk away from that part of my life, erasing it from my past. All I could think about was moving forward in my life, with M by my side.  It’s like repentance.  When you repent to God, He throws your sins in the sea of forgetfulness – He forgets your sins and you can start over as if they never happened.  That’s what I wanted for my life, and until recently I thought I was almost there – at the point where my past was gone and all I had to worry about was my future.

I was wrong. For some reason, the guilt of my past just got to be too much one day last month and  I published a post about how I felt my past was why we couldn’t have a baby. I was afraid I was being punished for my past, and for not telling M all about it.  I got distracted yesterday while tinkering with the features on the blog and left myself logged in. M came home and found it, and he not only read it, but he misunderstood some of what I said.  I told him the one story that I had been hiding all these years, about a night that I snorted some crushed up pills at a party and (could have) slept with someone, but I don’t really remember anything that happened after I did the pills.  He doesn’t believe that’s all there is to the story, with good reason.  This isn’t the first time I’ve hidden things from him.  It was my most shameful memory, mostly because of  the drugs and who I was with.  Don’t get me wrong, I was a slut back in the day, but my 8 people is not near as bad as some people.  However, this particular guy in this particular setting seemed (to me) to be the worst possible thing I could ever admit to.  That’s why it was the only thing I had left to hide from my husband.  Granted, I don’t even remember a huge chunk of the things I did when I lived in the city.  There were way too many crazy parties and way too much alcohol, but it would take me a lifetime to tell the story of every party and every stupid thing I did.  I didn’t think that was necessary.  I already knew when I got with M that he would never stay with me if he knew everything, and at the time, I didn’t think the past was important.  I am not that girl anymore. I know who I am now. I know what I want, and I don’t want that lifestyle.  I don’t want to be that person.  I thought I could move on with M in my life and forget about all of that.  It’s this damn baby issue that even brought it all out to begin with, the feeling that I’m barren because I’m being punished for my past.

M is really hurt, and he’s really mad about the blog, not that I had a blog as much as the fact that I hid it from him. I know we will work this out, because our love is stronger than this.  M is an amazing man with a huge heart.  I know he deserves better. I’m just trying really hard to be what he needs.  I’ve fought with those feelings of inadequacy for so long, and this definitely does not help.  I know I’ll never be as good as him, as good as he deserves.  That’s why I hid my past from him to begin with.  All I’ve ever wanted is for my past to go away so we can be happy together.  I wish he could understand that the girl I was and the woman I am are two different people.  The hardest part is that I can’t change the things that have already happened.  Hell, I can’t even remember everything that happened back then, much less change it.

I hope this doesn’t hurt our chances of participating in the BeeFertile study.  I’m not sure what will happen with the blog. That’s up to M, I suppose, but we really, really need help conceiving and this is our last chance.  We’ll still be able to send emails to BeeFertile to track our progress… Rain, Autumn, & Jackie -thank you for keeping up with me. I will find you on your blogs and let you know how to reach me if you want to stay in touch, just in case I have to stop the blog.


Disrespect or just a dry patch? July 12, 2011

Filed under: Just Life,Marriage — Lost on the IF Highway @ 1:20 PM

I feel like M has lost all respect for me as his wife.  I’m hoping it’s just a phase, but I really don’t know.  Since I “quit” my job in April, he has gradually started doing things that, to me, seem disrespectful.  My sister, S, and her son, G, live with us. Until I quit working, she didn’t have a job.  To “earn her keep” she was basically in charge of  the general upkeep of the house. Around the same time I quit working she got a job and she hasn’t done much around the house ever since, even though she only works part-time.  She does dishes or takes the trash out maybe once every other week. I’m pretty much solely responsible for the upkeep of the house because she won’t help, and M acts like it’s my responsibility since I’m not working. I can kind of understand that, but I was still doing some chores even when I was working two jobs and going to school full-time, even when S was supposed to be doing it.  Now that the tables are turned, not only am I responsible for the entire house and the kids, but M acts like I should have to clean up after everyone too, especially him.  I can see cleaning up after G. He’s only three years old, but I shouldn’t have to clean up after M, S, and SJ.  They’re all old enough to clean up after themselves.  M leaves trash lying around. He’ll even lay it on the counter next to the trash closet, as if he’s incapable of opening the door to the closet and tossing it in the trash.  He’ll leave his dirty plate with food still on it sitting next to the sink!  He just started doing all of this out of nowhere in the last several weeks and I don’t know how to react. When I tell him he’s being disrespectful, he acts like he has no idea what I’m talking about.

The other thing that I’ve noticed is that he’s been leaving a lot of the spending to me.  I have no income. I only have the savings.  I just don’t know what to do.