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Lost on the IF Highway

A bump in the road… October 9, 2011

Filed under: Just Life,Marriage,Spiritual — Lost on the IF Highway @ 3:09 PM

Well, I have royally screwed up this time.  M found out about the blog, and in doing so, he found out that I was still hiding things about my past…  This isn’t the first time my past came back to bite me in the ass.  Last year, he found out I had hid the truth about a guy I slept with right before he and I met.  And I’ve hidden guy friends from him before too (ones I didn’t sleep with).  It’s really hard to explain and probably even harder to understand….

In a nutshell, I grew up “in church” – Pentecostal.  There, I had a list of rules and a whole bunch of people dictating who I was and telling me exactly how to live my life.  When I moved away to the city for college, I lost control. I went really wild.  I slept around, drank (a lot), and even tried drugs.  I never wanted M to know any of that. By the time I moved back home (about a year before M and I started dating), I needed a fresh start. I wanted to leave my old life behind so I went back to church looking for someone to tell me it would be alright and hand me a list of rules that would help me feel whole again.  It didn’t work out that way. I was shunned, and there was no one willing to be my conscience anymore. I had to figure it out on my own, and it wasn’t easy.  I made some mistakes along they way.  When I finally let M into my life, that nagging feeling of emptiness and confusion finally left.  It’s not like meeting him helped me to figure it all out, but M gave me a reason to live. He made me want to be a better person, and he gave me a vision of how good my life could be.  From that point on, I wanted to just forget my past had ever happened.  I wanted to walk away from that part of my life, erasing it from my past. All I could think about was moving forward in my life, with M by my side.  It’s like repentance.  When you repent to God, He throws your sins in the sea of forgetfulness – He forgets your sins and you can start over as if they never happened.  That’s what I wanted for my life, and until recently I thought I was almost there – at the point where my past was gone and all I had to worry about was my future.

I was wrong. For some reason, the guilt of my past just got to be too much one day last month and  I published a post about how I felt my past was why we couldn’t have a baby. I was afraid I was being punished for my past, and for not telling M all about it.  I got distracted yesterday while tinkering with the features on the blog and left myself logged in. M came home and found it, and he not only read it, but he misunderstood some of what I said.  I told him the one story that I had been hiding all these years, about a night that I snorted some crushed up pills at a party and (could have) slept with someone, but I don’t really remember anything that happened after I did the pills.  He doesn’t believe that’s all there is to the story, with good reason.  This isn’t the first time I’ve hidden things from him.  It was my most shameful memory, mostly because of  the drugs and who I was with.  Don’t get me wrong, I was a slut back in the day, but my 8 people is not near as bad as some people.  However, this particular guy in this particular setting seemed (to me) to be the worst possible thing I could ever admit to.  That’s why it was the only thing I had left to hide from my husband.  Granted, I don’t even remember a huge chunk of the things I did when I lived in the city.  There were way too many crazy parties and way too much alcohol, but it would take me a lifetime to tell the story of every party and every stupid thing I did.  I didn’t think that was necessary.  I already knew when I got with M that he would never stay with me if he knew everything, and at the time, I didn’t think the past was important.  I am not that girl anymore. I know who I am now. I know what I want, and I don’t want that lifestyle.  I don’t want to be that person.  I thought I could move on with M in my life and forget about all of that.  It’s this damn baby issue that even brought it all out to begin with, the feeling that I’m barren because I’m being punished for my past.

M is really hurt, and he’s really mad about the blog, not that I had a blog as much as the fact that I hid it from him. I know we will work this out, because our love is stronger than this.  M is an amazing man with a huge heart.  I know he deserves better. I’m just trying really hard to be what he needs.  I’ve fought with those feelings of inadequacy for so long, and this definitely does not help.  I know I’ll never be as good as him, as good as he deserves.  That’s why I hid my past from him to begin with.  All I’ve ever wanted is for my past to go away so we can be happy together.  I wish he could understand that the girl I was and the woman I am are two different people.  The hardest part is that I can’t change the things that have already happened.  Hell, I can’t even remember everything that happened back then, much less change it.

I hope this doesn’t hurt our chances of participating in the BeeFertile study.  I’m not sure what will happen with the blog. That’s up to M, I suppose, but we really, really need help conceiving and this is our last chance.  We’ll still be able to send emails to BeeFertile to track our progress… Rain, Autumn, & Jackie -thank you for keeping up with me. I will find you on your blogs and let you know how to reach me if you want to stay in touch, just in case I have to stop the blog.

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Forgiveness September 24, 2011

Filed under: Infertility,Spiritual — Lost on the IF Highway @ 3:24 PM

I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that God is forgiving, and that He is able to do anything we ask.  I just have a hard time believing that he is willing to do it.  I know that God has forgiven me for my past.  It’s not as bad as I make it sound, but for someone like me, it’s really bad.  I grew up believing that slipping out a curse word, or even wearing pants would send me straight to Hell, so sleeping around my second year of college and then lying to my husband about my past, that’s punishable by death in my world!

I know the Bible says all we have to do is ask for forgiveness and turn away from our sins and we are forgiven, but it also says we will reap what we sew.  That’s where my spirituality and my reality collide.  I think I’m reaping what I’ve sewn. I think we’re facing IF because of my past, or at least because I’ve kept my past a secret from my family and my husband.  I dunno. Maybe only part of me believes that.  After all, the Bible doesn’t say that keeping secrets is a sin, but then again, what is sin?  It’s not like God spelled that one out for us.  I mean, there are the Ten Commandments, but beyond that, He doesn’t really expound on the subject.  I kind of believe that the person defines the sin.  For instance, some people believe polygamy is not a sin, because “in God’s eyes” they are married to all of the people they are sleeping with and are therefore not committing adultery.  I mean, that’s how several people in the Bible “rolled”, isn’t it?  Others believe sleeping with more than one person, EVER in your life, is adultery – whether you’re married at the time or not.  They believe that you are “bound” to every person you ever have sex with, whether you’re legally married or not.  I suppose those are just the two extremes.  I’ll bet that most of us believe somewhere in the middle of all that.  I know I do.  My point is, what may be a sin for me (based on my own spiritual beliefs and convictions) may not be a sin for someone else, and visa-verse.  I grew up going to church with a family who all believed it was a sin to eat pork.  Almost no one else in our church believed that way.  In fact, the church hosted a huge hog roast every year for Labor Day, but to that small family, eating pork was a sin. I honestly believe that God would judge them for eating pork and that they would need to ask forgiveness if they did so, and would also have to reap the consequences.  However, if I chose to eat a BLT, I wouldn’t have to ask forgiveness and there would be no consequences for me, because it’s not a sin for me.

All of that said, in short, I believe that sleeping with the 10 or so people that I slept with in my younger days was a sin because I wasn’t married to them and pretty much had no intention of ever marrying any of them (well, with maybe 1 or 2 exceptions).  I’ve asked for forgiveness, and I believe that God has forgiven me.  I was honest with my husband (to an extent) by telling him that I was not a virgin when we started dating, but he doesn’t know everyone I’ve been with.  I tried to tell him once, but as soon as we started talking about it, I could see how uneasy it made him so I just gave up.  I was afraid that he wouldn’t stick around if he found out how many there were and who they were.  I’ve kept that secret for nearly 8 years now, and I don’t want to ruin my marriage over stuff that happened 10 years ago, but wait!  There’s that “reaping” part.  I always forget about that part when I’m begging God for forgiveness.  Just because He forgives, doesn’t mean that the wheels of fate are not already turning toward my punishment!  Even the forgiven must reap what they sew I suppose.

I have no clue why I’m even blogging about all of this. I suppose it’s just a way for me to work it out in words, since playing it out in my mind doesn’t seem to work…  It’s so hard already, not knowing if I’m “broken,” and feeling like my husband is holding us back from ever discovering the “problem”.  It could be him. It could be me. It could be both of us, or nothing at all.  Maybe part of me is scared to find out.  It’s like someone with cancer not going to the doctor because they’d rather die than hear the bad news.  Maybe I’m part of what is keeping us from moving forward.  Maybe I’m afraid to hear it too.