Lost on the IF Highway

Lost and Lonely October 28, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Lost on the IF Highway @ 9:28 PM

I can’t really get into the details, but the last few weeks have been the worst in my life, the worst in M’s life, and the worst in our relationship beyond a doubt.  I can’t seem to NOT mess things up. Everything I do or say is wrong.  I can’t even begin to explain it all.  I wish I could go back about 13 years or so.  Then again, butterfly effect and all that, but I know for a fact I would not be here!


We haven’t started the BeeFertile yet.  I want us to both make some changes/decision first, and I’m on some meds that I think might screw with my system a bit.  I’ve been dealing with a LOT of depression and I’m on some meds that really mess with me right now.  I pretty much feel high all the time, so I’m waiting until I can either lower the dose or my body gets used to this dosage before we start.


M and I have barely spoken to or seen each other seen Monday.  Life can get so incredibly insane so quickly sometimes.  I’ll keep everyone posted after we start the BeeFertile regimen so you can see how it affects us.  The thing is, I want to be able to give a real account of how I’m feeling and not mistake the side effects of my meds with the side effects of the BeeFertile, so I just think it’s best if we wait.  Thanks for your patience.


Some Weird Symptoms!!! June 16, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Lost on the IF Highway @ 3:56 PM
Tags: , ,

So, I have had some crazy health “issues” lately (if that’s what you want to call them).  After speaking with my doctor, I followed her advice. She told me to get back on the prenatal vitamins and up m Vitamin E and Zinc.  She also put me on a sulfonamide antibiotic for this stupid bump I have on my eyelid.  Then, of course, there was the “stand on your head” advice.

That was a few weeks ago.  About a week after I started all the new “meds”, I noticed a drastic change in the way I felt.  It was a Friday night.  I had taken several boxes of rummage to a friend’s house for a Relay for Life rummage sale that we would be working the next day. It was VERY hot out so my stepdaughter SJ and I went into the house to cool off before we drove home.  SJ played with my friend’s little boy in his playroom for a bit while I sat and talked with my friend about what would go on the next day.  I started feeling funny and told SJ we had to get going.

Just before leaving for my friend’s we had supper.  I was taking my zinc, the sulfonamide, and Vit.E. with supper and taking the prenatal before bed (because it makes me nauseous if I take it while I’m awake).  This was about two hours after I had taken the meds so I assumed they were making me feel funny.  I rushed home, put SJ to bed, and laid down myself because I started feeling like I was going to vomit.  Within an hour I started sweating and feeling very hot. I took my temp. It was 101.42 and I was having trouble breathing.  I took my pulse. It was 135 (around 70 is normal for those of you who don’t know).  I called my husband and he wanted me to go to the ER. Our ER is ridiculous. They’re good for a band-aid, and they’ll charge you $500 for that!  I wasn’t driving with SJ in the car all the way to the next town feeling the way I did. I said I would wait until he was home.  He came home around 11:30pm and had his mother in tow.  She checked my BP and it was 125/90.  My usual BP is about 90/60.  She also wanted me to go to the ER, but I refused.  I was certain it was the meds.

The next day, I didn’t take the sulfonamide but I did continue with the other vitamins.  I felt “OK” but not great the entire day. I’m sure sitting out in the sun all day didn’t help. We had a trip to the zoo about an hour and a half way planned for the next day.  I tried to take it as easy as possible on Saturday to avoid missing out on G’s (my nephew) first trip to the zoo.  I got through the zoo OK, but I had to stop and sit down several times throughout the day because I got short-winded.

I still have moments where I get winded, especially if I am in the heat or get too exerted (like in Zumba class), but the temp, nausea, etc. are all gone.  I just can’t breathe very well sometimes, and that occassionally causes dizziness.  My sis-in-law (SIL) swears up and down I am pregnant, because those are the same “unexplainable” symptoms she had when she first became pregnant this time last year and just didn’t know she was pregnant yet.

Other things I have noticed over the last two weeks (besides the breathing issue) is a fast heartbeat from time to time, strange little muscle spasms (like when it feels like your heart is beating in your bicep, your calf, your belly, etc), and a loss of appetite.  Although, today I feel like I could eat the HOUSE!  My lower belly has a “full” feeling (almost like a bloated, hard feeling) all the time, heartburn almost every time I eat, and I’ve had a lot of aches and pains in my lower back and hips.  I’ve never had any of these symptoms before, and I’ve been having them all pretty regularly ever since about a week after I started the new meds (and the new positions suggested by my doctor).  By the way, the day I got sick was day 11 in my cycle.


So many people have told me that I “must be pregnant” but I have learned to never get my hopes up.  Although, I have to admit this is probably the most hopeful I have ever allowed myself to get in five years!  I’m on day 24 of my cycle. I run 27-day cycles and I haven’t so much as had a single period-esque cramp.  However, I have suddenly had a lot of white-ish discharge over the last week, and two days ago I passed two itsy-bitsy, teeny-tiny little bloody chunks of something.  I have no clue what they were and they were too small to tell anyway.  They weren’t just blood droplets, because they were pinkish, like tissue, but had some blood on them.  However, I haven’t seen any blood or tissue since, just the white-ish stuff.  I don’t have a clue what any of this means.


So, with all these symptoms, M wanted me to get a PT yesterday, but I know it will be negative so I’m just totally against it.  Why waste my savings on PT’s when I can just wait to get my period in a few days? It’s a waste of money and a waste of stress!  I think PT’s are a COMPLETE waste, unless you’re not having a period for some reason.  If you’re still having a period and you can at least guess at the day it will likely come, why waste money on a PT?  Now OVT’s are definitely an investment if you’re trying to get pregnant. I hate the POAS routine, but it’s better than feeling like I’m not doing anything (aside from standing on my head and popping vitamins of course).

I know most of you are thinking “GO TO A DOCTOR, STUPID!!!”  I would, but I have financial assistance with my doctor, and you have to reapply every 90 days because assistance expires every three months.  My most recent visit fell on my 90-day deadline, so I had to reapply to see how much of my last visit I will have to pay out-of-pocket.  Once my financial assistance amount is decided (it’s a percentage, usually around 50%), then I can go back.  However, my FA only pays for visits/tests that are considered detrimental to my overall health.  It does not cover visits/tests that are solely IF related.  It will pay for a portion of my last visit because the doctor also saw me for other issues not related to IF.  It would pay for a portion of this visit about the discharge and heart-related symptoms because that is not directly related to IF.  However, anything directly related to IF will not be paid for by my FA and I will have to pay for that out-of-pocket.

With that in mind, does anyone know which route I should take?  Our doctor is resistant to the SA because M’s insurance won’t cover it.  How do I go about getting one done w/o our doctor? Does M need to see someone else?  Is there a way for us to choose the lab we use so that we can sort of “choose” our cost?  My doctor told me an SA can cost up to $700 but all of the blogs I read say they cost between $40-$300.  I can afford $200-$300 at the most right now. (Trying to save our budget for the heavy-duty stuff if we get into IF treatments.)

What is the first step for me to take if it turns out I’m the one who’s infertile?  All my friends who have any experience at all with IF say that Chlomid is the way to go.  Is that cheaper than other IF treatments?  What about this BeeFertile stuff that Joshua was talking about?  Is it safe? Is it effective?  How expensive is it?

Still feeling very lost here!  Maybe I will just be VERY VERY lucky and all these symptoms mean I am pregnant so I can just be done with all of this! Wouldn’t that be FABULOUS???


A Not-so-baby Story March 12, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Lost on the IF Highway @ 10:25 PM

My husband and I grew up together, but we never thought we would date, much less get married.  Our mothers have worked together for over 30 years and his grandmother used to babysit me, but we were always so different. He was this redneck, rough and tumble, aspiring wrestler.  I was a conservative, artsy, churchy, bookworm and aspiring writer.  Granted, I grew up on a farm, with all boy cousins, and knew how to change my own oil, but I wore high heels to church 2-3 times a week and liked to dress like the late Jacqueline Lee Bouvier Kennedy Onassis (AKA “Jacquie O”) in my little pencil skirt suits.  He drove in demolition derbies and went to auto tech school. I enjoyed church camp every summer and attended seminary for two years.  We were definitely an unlikely pair.

He actually found me, and he was persistent. Had he not asked me out about a million times, my last name would probably have remained unchanged at this point in my life, even though being 30 and single is incredibly taboo in my former religious circle.  Yes. I did say “former”.  I left “the church”, with my husband, about five years ago for personal reasons.  Best decision I ever made, but that is far from the purpose for this post…

About four years ago my husband (boyfriend at the time) and I decided we wanted to start a family.  Marriage, though important to both of us, was not an absolute necessity in our opinion.  He was six months old at his parents’ wedding almost 30 years ago, and although we wanted to get married, we didn’t think it was absolutely necessary to be married just to start a family. We knew we loved each other and were dedicated to each other. That was what seemed most important to us.

After I had been off the pill for approximately six months, we started “trying”, using the “calendar” method. I won’t go into a lengthy explanation. I’m sure you can look it up if you don’t know what it is.  We tried that for about a year with no results, so we began doing some research and I went to the doctor to make sure there wasn’t anything obviously wrong by having a pelvic exam and some blood tests. Everything seemed fine.  We didn’t want to start with infertility appointments or anything until we had exhausted all other options.  My doctor said I looked fine, so we tried ovulation tests and began taking extra vitamins, changed our diets, and continued with the calendar.  We also tried strategic positions during intercourse and refrained from intercourse except during the “good days”.  We did this for two more years with no results.  By this time, we had finally gotten married, thinking that maybe God wouldn’t give us a child until we were married.  It’s funny how superstition and religion suddenly sound more realistic and important when you’re struggling to get pregnant.

Well, it has now been over four years and we haven’t had so much as a false positive.  We’ve gotten our hopes up a few times when “Aunt Flow” procrastinated in her monthly visit, but we still haven’t had any luck.  It’s at this point in our relationship where things became “tough”.  Any couple that has faced difficulty conceiving will tell you that it is physically and mentally exhausting and can take a terrible toll on your relationship.  We have DEFINITELY had our problems, to the point that my husband thought I was having an affair and I have been treated for depression.  We are proactively working through our emotional issues for now and have stopped “trying” until we can get “back on track” emotionally.

I went to get my eyebrows and top lip waxed at the salon the other day. My hairdresser (and “wax artist”) is a good, close friend.  She noticed that I had a lot of prickly hairs growing along my chin and lip and asked me how long that’s been going on.  I explained that I’ve always had issues with a little unwanted facial hair, (I’ve been waxing my eyebrows and lip for about 14-15 years.) but the chin hair just started about five years ago. It came in prickly (but white/blond) at first.  Now, there are a few (new) dark hairs coming in that are also very coarse.  She explained that one of the reasons she and her husband never had children was because of a hormone imbalance.  She actually had a hysterectomy this year.  She is in her late 40’s but has had hormone problems since her early 30’s.  She said they had talked about never having children anyway because of the “world today” and the cost (emotional and financial) of raising children, but the hormone issue was the “straw that broke the camel’s back”.  She said her doctors offered hormone therapy and other options, but they opted not to have children.  I’m beginning to wonder if this isn’t at least part of our problem.

Like I said, things have been shaky with my hubby the last year or so.  It has a lot to do with the baby issues, but there are some smaller underlying issues as well.  I am mentally, spiritually, and physically exhausted. I’m not really sure where to go from here.  I wish my husband would go to the doctor. It’s easier, cheaper, and less invasive to have him tested before I am tested.  I know I have some issues with BV and other infections, and that could also be a contributing factor, but I do not have health insurance.  The appointments, tests, and fees are just so expensive!  He has health coverage and I think it’s only fair to ask him to go first and make sure there’s nothing wrong on his end. Once that is cleared up, we will know which direction we need to take, whether to bite the bullet and have me tested or look into adoption or other options.

I’m not really sure why men have such a problem going to the doctor for these things.  Yes. They do have to “go” in a cup, but it’s not like most men don’t do that anyway.  I know my husband doesn’t do that very often, but he does do it.  Why is it so much harder to do it into a cup instead of into the shower, the rag, the paper towel, or whatever else he’s using?  For me, it is much harder and invasive. I have to go through more than a “hand-to-private” experience to see if there is something wrong with me. I understand that it is emotionally trying for him, but I can help him with that. I will be supportive but I can’t do this one for him as I do so many other things. He has to make the appointment, show up, go in the cup, and then I will be there for a big hug and moral support after he’s done.  For me, I must have people actually reaching up inside of me, poking and prodding around.  I go to my OBGYN for a checkup every year.  I’m fairly certain I am the only person (other than him) that has been up close and personal with his private region since he was first diagnosed with chronic IBS.

In the meantime, we are intimate when we “feel” like it. I’m still off the pill and we have never used protection in seven years (almost five years off the pill).  Maybe we will get lucky, but I am definitely not getting any younger and this “no baby” issue is really starting to get to me.