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Lost on the IF Highway

Overdue! September 15, 2011

Filed under: Just Life — Lost on the IF Highway @ 11:03 PM

Okay, so I know that’s a slightly masochistic title for an infertility blog, but if I don’t try to find some semblance of humor in my situation I will just be depressed ALL THE TIME, so pardon my dark humor while I try to compose a LONG-overdue update!!!

I don’t even know where to begin… Let’s see…  Well, I’ll just start with school and go from there….

SCHOOL ~ I finished school on Sept. 5th (Labor Day, ironically enough).  (I just wrote about three paragraphs and deleted them. Good Lord.)  Anyway…  I didn’t graduate with honors but I ended with a 3.49 GPA and I guess that’s good enough.  Hell, I’m just glad to be done.  It may only be a BS in Business MGT, but I earned it and I WAS pretty damn proud of it, until my family had to put a damper on it.  I practically had to break down in tears to get my husband to say he was proud of me.  My mother’s response was “That’s great” (in a less-than-enthusiastic tone) when I told her I had just turned in my last paper.  My sister (S) is jealous, when she doesn’t even have the slightest inkling of an interest in college.  S’s greatest ambition is to someday manage the dollar store where she works.  The ONLY person who didn’t have to be reminded I was graduating before saying she was proud of me was my M-I-L (B).  B actually called me a couple of days after I finished school to tell me how proud she was.  My own mother can’t even call me just to say hello, much less for something like that, but my husband’s mother wanted to throw me a party!

My best friend was talking over the summer about how we needed to have a get-together to celebrate my graduation, especially since it will be too expensive and too long a drive for me to attend commencement (I finished the last two years of my degree online).  When I told my husband I wanted to celebrate, he wanted to have a “weenie roast” with “10-20 people” at our house.  That means ME cleaning before and ME cleaning after, and that wasn’t exactly what I’d had in mind.  I wanted to have enough room for both our families and some friends, and his family alone leaves standing room only in our house.  He has a billion aunts, uncles, and cousins, and we’re a really tight family.  I would have to invite them all if I invited one of them.  It’s getting cold out and I wanted the kids to be welcome, so something outside like that is just illogical anyway.  I mentioned it to B and she said we could rent a local civic center for $50 and my friend would DJ for 5 hrs for $100.  I thought that sounded great, but M said that was “silly” and a “waste”.  Then, my best friend “Chi” said she probably wouldn’t be able to come because she herself is in school and Sundays are her “only days off”.  Sunday is also one of M’s days off and he works Saturday nights, so we were going to do a potluck dinner on a Sunday.  If my husband thinks it’s silly, my own mother doesn’t seem to care and won’t even offer to help pay for it, and my best friend can’t be there, what the hell is the point?  Part of the reason I went back to school was to make the people I love proud of me, and that was an epic fail, apparently!  I mean, I didn’t even graduate with honors like I wanted to, and it’s not going to get me a promotion anytime soon.  My boss is 22 years old and has a year of community college under his belt.  I’m thinking I aimed high for no reason…Sigh… and missed anyway.  Still, I feel like having the party at this point would be like a Queen hosting a parade in her own honor and making everyone show up to cheer her on – self promotion and empty compliments, not really my thing.  Self pity on the other hand…

WORK ~ Well, I like my job, and my boss is actually a pretty cool “kid”, even if he is just “the boss’s son” and about 10 years younger than me.  He goes to bat for his people (against his own mother – The Ice Queen, Dragon Lady, and Class A Bitch).  I have to give him props for that because she scares the HOLY SHIT out of me.  However, I’m driving 50 mi, round trip, every day.  I only make $9/hour, and the benefits are “just okay”.  It’s definitely nothing spectacular, and to top it all off, I found out they hired me to groom me to take someone’s place.. during her maternity leave.  She’s almost three months prego now.  She was only a few weeks when I started, and only she and my boss knew about it when I was hired.  She’s my team leader so I’m honored that they thought so highly of me that they hired me to be her protege’.  Basically, she is going to move up in the company some day (that is, if she doesn’t decide to stay home with her kids after Baby #2 gets here).  That means, they specifically hired me to take her place. They want me to be as good (if not better) than her someday.  That speaks volumes, but I’m terribly worried that I won’t be able to keep up with the bills on this salary.  $1100 take home per month is rather scant!  Granted, it’s more than I was making PT at the college, but with my student loans quickly creeping up on me, I have to figure something out fast!

Being joined at the hip with a woman who constantly talks about baby stuff is KILLING ME.  She’s already picking out names, and it’s practically ALL she talks about.  I have to listen to her COMPLAIN about having her bridesmaid dress re-fitted to accommodate her “baby bump” (which is smaller than the ponch I fold into my slacks every morning) for her friend’s wedding, and how tired she is.  She talks about her cravings, baby names, morning sickness, and how this is “definitely her last one”.  All I can think is, “I WOULD TRADE YOU IN A HEARTBEAT, YOU BIG CRYBABY!”  I finally spoke up today and (as nicely as possible) suggested that there were probably hundreds of infertile women in the world who would trade places with her.  It didn’t stop the baby name discussion (which has become somewhat of a silly game in our department), but at least I don’t have to listen to her whining anymore.  I made her listen to me today…

IF NEWS ~ WARNING: GRAPHIC CONTENT…  I knew it was “about that time,” but my recent periods have been weird.  I have no cramps or any signs, aside from maybe some vague moodiness and then all of a sudden I will wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I’m being cut in half from the inside out.  I actually thought I was having a miscarriage this morning. I’ve never had one before, but I think I can now imagine what it’s like.  I woke about 5:30 AM with seizing pains in my lower back, so extreme I could barely move. I had sharp, stabbing pains IN my vagina.  It actually felt like something was stretching me from the inside.  My abdomen was hot to the touch, even after sitting on the stool for a good 15 minutes.  Even still, after about 12 Midol today, I’m still in pain, but I’m functioning.  I wasn’t this morning.  I crawled to the bathroom and pulled myself up on the stool, trying to hold in whatever was trying to come out of me, and when I “relaxed”, it was just a bunch of watery blood.  It sounded like I was peeing, but I wasn’t.  After some Midol and a REALLY hot shower, I was finally able to walk, but still in pain. I spent the entire day suffering through bouts of what I can only describe as “contractions”, but nothing unusual has come out of me since the “bloody water” this morning.  It’s just been my standard yuck that usually comes out on the first day of my period, but I can’t believe how much pain and bloating I’m having, and I think I’m actually a few days early, which is strange.  I’ve had exactly 27-day cycles for almost a year now and all of a sudden I’m early?  I think it was instigated by a fight with M last night. It seems like if we fight or have sex too close to the start of my period, I will either start early or have a really heavy start.  I know that sounds weird (especially as a reaction to fighting with him) but I can only report on what I have experienced, and that’s how it seems to be, to me anyway.

We haven’t started the Bee Fertile yet, but we plan to by Christmas.  I went from April to July with no work. The money we were supposed to use to clear some trees from our property, buy the Bee Fertile, and pay on some of my student loans was used to pay bills and buy M a “new” vehicle while I was off work.  He had to have a new truck, and before I quit my job I had promised him some of our savings could go toward a down payment.  Instead, we just bought a used truck outright.  It couldn’t wait, and we were uncertain what kind (if any) work I would be getting .  Using our savings to buy it outright was the better option.

I’m making Bee Fertile my top financial priority right now. I know some of you are reading this and thinking I’m poor white trash. Quite frankly, I really don’t care what you think of me. I’m a good person, and I’m just as infertile as those rich bitches that go out and buy their children.  I can’t afford IVF or adoption.  Bee Fertile is my last ditch effort before I just give up.  So, excuse me if I have to “save up” to spend $300 on a 3-month supply of what we are hoping is a our miracle.  There are people out there who have dropped 10 times that amount on one IF treatment or dr’s visit. I know this.  There are people who have sold their houses and gave up practically everything to have a baby. I know this.  We don’t have anything to give up.  We live simple lives so when it comes to our IF, we have to keep that simple too, even though it’s VERY complicated.  We are just having faith that if we give up what little we can that God will bless us for it…

SPEAKING OF GOD ~ We haven’t gone to church in almost a year.  It’s mostly M, but it’s me too.  Our church is 45 mins away, but he won’t go anywhere else. I LOVE our church and our pastor, but there’s just so much keeping me away…  M doesn’t think church is necessary for salvation, or for life.  He only goes when I REALLY beg him, or for holidays.  He says he prays and has a personal relationship with God.  I told him that screaming His name during sex and begging Him to help during times of need didn’t constitute a relationship, but he insists he has a private prayer life.  So do I, but that’s not good enough for me, and no matter how hard I try to explain it to him, he doesn’t get it….  I honestly feel like our IF is God’s way of punishing me.. For that one night stand 10 years ago, for lying to M about my ex before we were married, for not going to church. I dunno. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but this is a huge burden to be carrying around.  I feel SO GUILTY that M will never trust me 100% (because he found out after we were married about my “little white lie”), and that we can’t have a baby.  I know he wants to have kids, and I know how he feels about the lie and how it affects him, and I live with a MOUND of guilt on my shoulders every single day.  I’ve prayed for forgiveness, but even if God forgives me, I don’t feel like M does.  He says we can just adopt as far as the baby is concerned, but I’m not ready to give up….  I can’t help but to think if we would pray harder, maybe do some fasting, or go to church more often that maybe God would change His mind about allowing us to be parents.  I can’t change the whole trust thing. I just try to never put myself in questionable situations and to never ever give M another reason not to trust me, no reason whatsoever.  That’s all I can do, isn’t it?

Well, that’s enough whining and moaning for one day.  It’s probably the hormones talking anyway.  PMS is such a bitch!  I’ll try to update more often and put a few positive notes in there next time.

 

Still Among the Living August 8, 2011

Filed under: Family,Just Life,Work/School — Lost on the IF Highway @ 6:58 PM

I only have a few minutes. M will be home soon.  I just wanted to let everyone know that I’m still alive.  He had two weeks off work and then I was sick for a week, and I’ve been working the last three weeks at my new job (see my reply to Autumn on 8/8/11). On top of all that, we had the derby over the weekend (I won a 4th place trophy – M took 5th).  And for the cherry on the cake, I’m in my last four weeks of school before I finish my BS in Business Management.  It’s just been crazy.  With M being off for two weeks, I couldn’t blog because he was always home.

There’s much more to tell, but it will have to wait. Perhaps I will have more time this week as things get back to normal.

 

Disrespect or just a dry patch? July 12, 2011

Filed under: Just Life,Marriage — Lost on the IF Highway @ 1:20 PM

I feel like M has lost all respect for me as his wife.  I’m hoping it’s just a phase, but I really don’t know.  Since I “quit” my job in April, he has gradually started doing things that, to me, seem disrespectful.  My sister, S, and her son, G, live with us. Until I quit working, she didn’t have a job.  To “earn her keep” she was basically in charge of  the general upkeep of the house. Around the same time I quit working she got a job and she hasn’t done much around the house ever since, even though she only works part-time.  She does dishes or takes the trash out maybe once every other week. I’m pretty much solely responsible for the upkeep of the house because she won’t help, and M acts like it’s my responsibility since I’m not working. I can kind of understand that, but I was still doing some chores even when I was working two jobs and going to school full-time, even when S was supposed to be doing it.  Now that the tables are turned, not only am I responsible for the entire house and the kids, but M acts like I should have to clean up after everyone too, especially him.  I can see cleaning up after G. He’s only three years old, but I shouldn’t have to clean up after M, S, and SJ.  They’re all old enough to clean up after themselves.  M leaves trash lying around. He’ll even lay it on the counter next to the trash closet, as if he’s incapable of opening the door to the closet and tossing it in the trash.  He’ll leave his dirty plate with food still on it sitting next to the sink!  He just started doing all of this out of nowhere in the last several weeks and I don’t know how to react. When I tell him he’s being disrespectful, he acts like he has no idea what I’m talking about.

The other thing that I’ve noticed is that he’s been leaving a lot of the spending to me.  I have no income. I only have the savings.  I just don’t know what to do.

 

Rollercoasters, Demolition Derbies, & Wine Trails June 23, 2011

Filed under: BeeFertile,Infertility,Just Life — Lost on the IF Highway @ 12:17 PM
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I know the title of this post is crazy. You’ll get it if you read to the end… I’ll be the first to admit I can sometimes be a hateful, bitter, bitch.  I am definitely more pessimistic than optimistic most days.  I think it’s one of my greatest faults as a human being. So many people have influenced me to try to be a better person, but I sometimes wonder if it’s just a part of my genetic make-up that I cannot change.  I’m not one to spend hours on my knees in prayer. I don’t often go out of my way to be nice to someone, although I would count myself as generous.  I just don’t focus my life on trying to save people’s souls, I don’t work in a soup kitchen or homeless shelter, and I don’t do much charity work. I’m usually too busy trying to keep my own life together. I cuss way too much. I’m sometimes rude and bossy.  I’m too hard on my husband’s adopted daughter (my stepdaughter, SJ).  I have given up trying to get along with certain family members, my sister in particular.  I’ve sworn off my biological father and have even wished he would die before.  I’m just a TERRIBLE person!  To be honest, this whole IF thing has only made it worse and I am just so sick of feeling so negative and grouchy all the time. It’s like I’m constantly suffering from PMS!  Granted, I’m not mean to everyone; I do work with Relay for Life, and I do want a career that is fulfilling and meaningful where I can be of help to people, but the majority of my days I just feel like I’m a hateful, terrible person.

I’ve been trying to think of ways to fix all the negativity in my life.  My mother’s advice is to give up on the “baby thing” because it’s “undo stress” that I don’t need. She doesn’t get that I DO need it!  It’s the one thing I want more than anything in my life.  I grew up in a church where God, the church, and family were THE MOST important things in my life.  I grew up living for other people and their rules, so I shy away from a religious answer.  Yes. I do feel I should pray more, cuss less, and be nicer, but I just shy away from believing that church is the answer.  I think if I really work at it I can make this change on my own…

I really thought I was pregnant this time.  I haven’t missed a period or had a late period in years.  I’ve been feeling sick and just… weird.  I’ve had some of the “symptoms”.  I really, really thought this could be it!  I didn’t have a single cramp or a spike in temperature like I normally do, nothing.  Everything pointed to “pregnant” (except the PT’s of course).  I just thought I was one of those women that couldn’t POAS and I would need a blood test, but I wanted to wait another week before I went to the doctor. Good thing I did.  I would have looked like a moron if I had gone to the doctor yesterday, because it would have been negative. I started early this morning.  Out of nowhere, I woke up to pee (for the millionth time) and when I wiped, there was blood.  It wasn’t just a little bit like when my mole was bleeding.  It was about the size of a nickel, so I wiped again, another drop, and another.  I put a pad on and went back to bed until I woke up feeling like my right ovary was going to explode.  That was all I needed. I got up, put in a tampon and got in the shower.  I sat in the floor of the shower for probably 20 minutes, just crying and staring at the little bits of face scrub on the shower wall that M didn’t rinse out when he took a shower last night.  Other than the pain in my ovary, I still haven’t had any cramps, bloating, or headaches like I usually get.  I usually have SEVERE PMS and this time it’s incredibly mild comparably.

I’ll admit it – I’m pissed off!  I’m SO ANGRY.  I just can’t understand why God chose me to be his little ant under the magnifying glass.  I have no job, no baby. I’m feeling incredibly useless, worthless, and just… ANGRY.  I don’t want to feel angry. I want to be happy, no matter what life throws at me, like the coupon lady.  I took a couponing class the other day and the coupon lady was just so.. happy.  She told a story about how her husband got very sick and had to take off work for several months and her family was starving.. and she did it with a smile on her face, giving all the credit to God. She talked about how she prayed and how she knew God would never forsake her and He would give her the wisdom to figure out a way to put food on her family’s table.. and of course HE DID.  She started “extreme couponing” and the next thing you know, there’s food on the table, her husband is getting better, and she gives all the credit to God.  I wish I could be so positive!!!

So, in my weak attempt to be positive today, I’m trying to think of all the things I was going to miss out on had I been pregnant.  I want to count myself “lucky” because I will still be able to do these things this summer…  We have a trip to Six Flags scheduled for July 17th.  Last year, we went in June and my SIL (C) was about one week pregnant and didn’t know it.  She rode the rides and had her fun and THEN she found out a few weeks later she was pregnant and the baby (E) came out just perfect in March of this year…  So, I will not miss the rollercoasters………  Demolition Derbies – Well, I have a car sitting in my driveway that I paid $400 for so that I could drive it in the demo derby on August 5th.  My husband and I’s first “official” date was on August 6th, 2004.  He was driving in the county demo derby and he invited me to come along.  I watched with excitement and we hung out until 7am the next morning.  Ever since, the derby has been a part of my life.  Our entire year centers around the demolition derby.  Last year I ran in the compact cars for the first time as a driver (alongside my husband and our friends) and I took 5th place out of 20+ cars.  I was hooked!  I was gonna have to find someone to drive my car for me this year, or put the car aside for next year, but I don’t have to do that now!  Maybe this year I will finish with a trophy or even money!….  And wine trails – Every year we go south to the wine trails for my friend (Chi’s) birthday.  She’ll be 35 this year in August.  Chi, C, Ti, Tay, and I eat lunch and then drive down south about an hour to visit about 5-6 of the 15 wineries.  One in particular has this sangria that I actually start CRAVING this time of year.  Then, we go to Red Lobster for dinner and go watch a movie or go shopping before heading home.  This year, I don’t have to miss the wine trails.

M and I discussed earlier this week that if I wasn’t pregnant we would buy the BeeFertile and start right away.  We wanted to be pregnant by Christmas.  I’m thinking I need a break.  We have so much going on this summer already, and I will be done with school Sept. 5th.  Maybe we could wait about a month, then start taking the BeeFertile.  It seems like it takes a minimum of 3 months and a maximum of 9 months for most couples to see results.  And I think we’re going to stop the crazy positions, the BBT, the hectic rituals that are living with IF, and just relax for a month or two.  We can enjoy our summer.  We can start the BeeFertile in July or August and then pick back up with the BBT, the charts, the P’ing OAS all over again.  Maybe by then I will have a job (and hopefully some insurance) and there will be less to worry about.  And I won’t have to worry about school.  Who knows? Maybe S and G will have moved out by then too so that we can FINALLY have the house to ourselves for the first time ever since we first moved in together before we were even married!!!  Wouldn’t it be nice to have some alone time before a baby comes?

So, I think that’s the plan. I haven’t cleared it with M yet, but he seems a lot more relaxed over the whole thing than I am anyway.  He seems to think he should just start taking testosterone shots and that would help.  He’s crazy!  And I know that he only wants the shots because he knows it will help to raise his bench and make him “look better”.  It has far more to do with his gym regimen than his wish for a baby.

Anyway, so that’s my sad attempt at looking at the brighter side of this whole situation.  Actually, this is an amazing feat for me, considering I started today and I am usually the bitch from Hell on the first day of my period.  I just hope I can relax and enjoy my summer without thinking about babies too much.

 

Day 29 of a 27-day Cycle & Going Bonkers! June 22, 2011

Filed under: Infertility — Lost on the IF Highway @ 3:12 AM
Tags: , ,

I’m trying VERY hard NOT to get my hopes up!  It’s so hard not to but I find that I handle disappoint so much better if I am just prepared to be disappointed!  Here’s what’s going on… I usually run a 27-day cycle.  Technically, today should be Day 2 of what I call my “June” cycle (my third cycle since I started from scratch with my doctor).  But I still haven’t started my period.  Part of me wants to jump up and down (and be careful not to harm what could potentially be living in my belly).  Another part of me is SCREAMING, “DO NOT get your hopes up.  You can’t possibly be pregnant.  You’ve only been trying for two months on this new regimen and you’ve been trying for FIVE years.  You’d be crazy to get your hopes up.”

I’m afraid to tell anyone. The only people who know are two of my best friends, my SIL (C) and M. C said I have had all the same symptoms she had when she was first pregnant and didn’t know it yet.  I’m short of breath, get winded easily, have irregular heartbeat, loss of appetite, paranoid like crazy, peeing a lot, and having strange cravings.  I have gone through over 1/2 a bottle of Heinz 57 in the last week!  There are two things that are very wrong with that: 1) I have never bought Heinz 57 in my life before last week, and 2) I never ever eat the same thing more than twice in a row. I can’t stand eating the same thing over and over. Ask my husband, who eats the same thing for lunch almost every day.

I’m SO PARANOID that I miscounted my days.  In May, I didn’t write down Day 1 on my little chart right away.  I have a chart where I calculate every single day of my cycle and record everything from my BBT, to my OVT reading, to my mucus consistency.  I usually never forget to write anything down, but in May I didn’t write down which day was Day 1 until a few days later.  I have it recorded as being May 24th. I’m almost certain that is correct, because I distinctly remember thinking “Man, I would have to start on my mom’s birthday!”  My sister (S) and I had to go somewhere that night.. my friend’s visitation, and I forgot to call my mother that day and wish her happy birthday because I was so preoccupied with Steven’s visitation/funeral.  I had to read a poem at the funeral and I was really worried about it.  He was young, and his parents are our very dear friends so I was really worked up.  When I woke up, I realized I was starting my period, which made the day even harder. As if it wasn’t emotional enough, but I get REALLY bitchy when Aunt Flo visits!  I ALWAYS have 27-day cycles.  If I start on a Tuesday in May you can bet I will start on a Monday in June.  So, I’m 99.9999999% sure I started on May 24th and should have started on June 20th.  That’s better accuracy than a pregnancy test!

BFN

I think digital tests are just as confusing as two pink lines!

Speaking of pregnancy tests, this is one reason I am very doubtful and borderline depressed over this whole thing. I’ve taken two pregnancy tests in the last two days. Both came back negative, and they were the Clear Blue digital tests, not the cheap $1 tests from Dollar General.  I won’t buy my tests from DG because S works there and I don’t generally share this kind of information with my sister.  If you’ve read my other entries you can clearly understand that we don’t have that kind of open relationship. We can barely get through a day without wanting to kill each other.

So, what’s my next step?  How much is a blood test at the doctor?  That’s the only thing I can think to do, but I don’t want to go there and feel like a complete idiot if I’m not pregnant.

Here’s the rundown:

  • I pee ALL THE TIME. I didn’t think this happened until later on, but I’ve been doing it a LOT.
  • I had all those crazy symptoms during my ovulation week (fever, lower back pain, hip pain, extreme shortness of breath, irregular heartbeat, really high pulse/heart rate, etc.
  • I’ve been eating Heinz 57 like they’re discontinuing the recipe or something.
  • My husband said I’ve been walking funny. I don’t see it but he says I’ve been “waddling”.
  • I’m tired ALL THE TIME. I could sleep all day if M and G would let me!
  • I’m two days late for my period. I haven’t been late in over three years.
  • My nipples hurt.  In fact, come to think of it, I kind of hurt all over.
  • However, I have had two BFN’s in the last couple of days.  Why would they come up negative on Day 2 of my “cycle” (that hasn’t come yet)?

Any opinions?

I don’t want to talk to my mother about it, because we aren’t close and I don’t think she would be supportive.  She never even really wanted me to get married or have children.  She wanted me to be “smarter than she was” – more independent, my own woman.  She didn’t help with the wedding, she has always favored my little sister over me, and she won’t be willing to help with the baby.  Furthermore, after the “mole” incident when my sister delivered G, I really don’t want her around.  I’d rather she just kept her distance overall. She brings out the worst in me, well, S brings out the worst in me. My mother comes in 2nd.  I would talk to my MIL (B) about it, but B’s wanted us to have a baby for SO LONG that I’m afraid to get her hopes up. I think she would be more devastated than we would if I wasn’t pregnant.  My FIL (J) is disabled and his cardiologist doesn’t think he will live more than two years.  He could, if he would quit smoking, but J is one of these that just refuses to believe that smoking has anything to do with his heart failing.  He associates smoking with lung disease, not heart disease, and he seems to breathe okay, except for when his heart gives him fits! (haha). So, B’s worried that their grandchildren won’t remember him.  SJ will, because she is already 10 years old, but E (M’s neice) and our kids won’t, not if he only lives for two more years.  M and I are kind of on our own out here.

I hope that ya’ll understand, now, why I’m constantly asking your advice instead of asking my friends/family. I just don’t feel like I CAN ask them.  M and I really have had to keep a lot of this to ourselves.  This blog is the only place where I feel I can be 100% honest w/a very limited filter (changing the names for instance).  Thank  you so much for reading and replying.  Jackie has been an angel! She’s my one true follower, but thanks to everyone. You have no idea how much I love that I am able to share and read your blogs as well!

M is working a double shift.  It’s 3am here and I’m still wide awake (one of the perks of not working right now I suppose).  He will be home at 7am, and if I stay up late, I can sleep in with him a little bit tomorrow (or today I guess).  PLEASE keep us in your prayers. It would be WONDERFUL if our IF battle ended here!

 

Should We BeeFertile? June 17, 2011

Filed under: BeeFertile — Lost on the IF Highway @ 11:28 PM

I was recently introduced to a new fertility product…

Thanks to “Joshua” (who recently replied to one of my blog posts), I was introduced to a fertility product I have never heard of.  It is called BeeFertile.  Here is a link to their website:  http://www.beefertile.com/

I have read probably hundreds of blogs (via the Stirrup Queens Blogroll, which I highly recommend for couples facing infertility: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/a-whole-lot-of-blogging-brought-to-you-sorted-and-filed/).  Never once have I heard of BeeFertile.  When Joshua mentioned it in his reply to my post, I had to check it out.  It really does sound too good to be true [2g2bt].  My experience with things that are 2g2bt is that they usually are, so I am incredibly skeptical!

Call me crazy, but I am slowly gathering a list of pro’s & con’s and I am desperately seeking testimonials, opinions, and advice about using this BeeFertile supplement.  For those of you who are too lazy to take a look at the website, I will give you a quick overview (that definitely will NOT do the website justice.)

BeeFertile is an all-natural supplement (therefore not tested by the FDA). The website says there are no known side effects, it is “all natural”, and it is proven effective for increasing fertility in both men and women.  Some other “facts”:

  • Different formulas for men and women
  • It combines over 30 natural ingredients in a pill for men and women.  Uses natural vitamins and minerals (often found in prenatal vitamins and other health supplements), in addition to some “bee” additives (pollen and Royal Jelly).
  • Requires both the male and the female to take pills 4x/day and 1tsp of Royal Jelly every day.
  • “Hive Naturals” is the parent company, a family company, started with a health foods store in Georgia.
  • The website DOES have a guarantee (of sorts) and a physical address, and the site was the first thing that popped up when I searched for BeeFertile on Google (speaks for legitimacy, right?)
  • They provided me with a “Doctor’s Fact Kit” to take with me to the doctor and recommend repeatedly on the website to consult a doctor before starting the BeeFertile program.
  • All of the testimonials boast pregnancy within 9 months, many less than 6 months, and most less than 3 months (for couples with no obvious reasons for infertility).

The website boasts:

Each BeeFertile ingredient has been carefully selected to target each area of the reproductive system and provide an optimal combination of vitamins, minerals, and bee products to support and facilitate a healthy reproductive system.

Careful research and study of published medical research, combined with the assistance of Doctors and natural supplement experts, formed the products that are found in the BeeFertile Kits.

The BeeFertile kit was designed to give you a 3 month supply of both the supplement and Royal Jelly formula. We recommend that you finish the 3 month program supplied in the kit for maximum results. Herbs and vitamins, when taken over time, can help to benefit and maximize your reproductive potential. It can take 3 months or more for your body to receive the full benefits of the BeeFertile program. For men, it can take at least 3 months or more to see significant results in sperm count, motility and overall sperm health.

We recommend that you use the BeeFertile kit at least 6 months, which is 2 cycles of the BeeFertile kit, or until successful conception is achieved. BeeFertile can also be used by those with the intention of achieving a healthy reproductive system, in which case, no minimum or maximum is recommended.

My questions are…

  1. Is it dangerous to try this?  Will it hurt me, M, or my chances for conceiving?
  2. Is it worth it to spend $250.. $500… or even $750 to try this for 3…6…9 months?
  3. Should we get an SA first?  How much should we expect to spend for an SA?
  4. My uncle threw a fit when he heard we were thinking about trying this.  He tried to say they weren’t a legitimate company and said they didn’t have a physical address.  They do have an address (which I intend to look up on Google Maps just to prove my uncle wrong), and they do seem to be a legitimate company.
  5. Has anyone else (aside from Joshua – no offense) heard of BeeFertile, tried it, or know someone who’s tried it?  I’d love to hear from someone who follows my blog or whose blogs I read.

Thanks a heap! -C.C.

PS– I’m 99.99% sure I’m going to start a new cycle on Monday.  I can just feel it.  ='(

 

Some Weird Symptoms!!! June 16, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Lost on the IF Highway @ 3:56 PM
Tags: , ,

So, I have had some crazy health “issues” lately (if that’s what you want to call them).  After speaking with my doctor, I followed her advice. She told me to get back on the prenatal vitamins and up m Vitamin E and Zinc.  She also put me on a sulfonamide antibiotic for this stupid bump I have on my eyelid.  Then, of course, there was the “stand on your head” advice.

That was a few weeks ago.  About a week after I started all the new “meds”, I noticed a drastic change in the way I felt.  It was a Friday night.  I had taken several boxes of rummage to a friend’s house for a Relay for Life rummage sale that we would be working the next day. It was VERY hot out so my stepdaughter SJ and I went into the house to cool off before we drove home.  SJ played with my friend’s little boy in his playroom for a bit while I sat and talked with my friend about what would go on the next day.  I started feeling funny and told SJ we had to get going.

Just before leaving for my friend’s we had supper.  I was taking my zinc, the sulfonamide, and Vit.E. with supper and taking the prenatal before bed (because it makes me nauseous if I take it while I’m awake).  This was about two hours after I had taken the meds so I assumed they were making me feel funny.  I rushed home, put SJ to bed, and laid down myself because I started feeling like I was going to vomit.  Within an hour I started sweating and feeling very hot. I took my temp. It was 101.42 and I was having trouble breathing.  I took my pulse. It was 135 (around 70 is normal for those of you who don’t know).  I called my husband and he wanted me to go to the ER. Our ER is ridiculous. They’re good for a band-aid, and they’ll charge you $500 for that!  I wasn’t driving with SJ in the car all the way to the next town feeling the way I did. I said I would wait until he was home.  He came home around 11:30pm and had his mother in tow.  She checked my BP and it was 125/90.  My usual BP is about 90/60.  She also wanted me to go to the ER, but I refused.  I was certain it was the meds.

The next day, I didn’t take the sulfonamide but I did continue with the other vitamins.  I felt “OK” but not great the entire day. I’m sure sitting out in the sun all day didn’t help. We had a trip to the zoo about an hour and a half way planned for the next day.  I tried to take it as easy as possible on Saturday to avoid missing out on G’s (my nephew) first trip to the zoo.  I got through the zoo OK, but I had to stop and sit down several times throughout the day because I got short-winded.

I still have moments where I get winded, especially if I am in the heat or get too exerted (like in Zumba class), but the temp, nausea, etc. are all gone.  I just can’t breathe very well sometimes, and that occassionally causes dizziness.  My sis-in-law (SIL) swears up and down I am pregnant, because those are the same “unexplainable” symptoms she had when she first became pregnant this time last year and just didn’t know she was pregnant yet.

Other things I have noticed over the last two weeks (besides the breathing issue) is a fast heartbeat from time to time, strange little muscle spasms (like when it feels like your heart is beating in your bicep, your calf, your belly, etc), and a loss of appetite.  Although, today I feel like I could eat the HOUSE!  My lower belly has a “full” feeling (almost like a bloated, hard feeling) all the time, heartburn almost every time I eat, and I’ve had a lot of aches and pains in my lower back and hips.  I’ve never had any of these symptoms before, and I’ve been having them all pretty regularly ever since about a week after I started the new meds (and the new positions suggested by my doctor).  By the way, the day I got sick was day 11 in my cycle.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH IS A LITTLE GRAPHIC (Sorry for being gross)

So many people have told me that I “must be pregnant” but I have learned to never get my hopes up.  Although, I have to admit this is probably the most hopeful I have ever allowed myself to get in five years!  I’m on day 24 of my cycle. I run 27-day cycles and I haven’t so much as had a single period-esque cramp.  However, I have suddenly had a lot of white-ish discharge over the last week, and two days ago I passed two itsy-bitsy, teeny-tiny little bloody chunks of something.  I have no clue what they were and they were too small to tell anyway.  They weren’t just blood droplets, because they were pinkish, like tissue, but had some blood on them.  However, I haven’t seen any blood or tissue since, just the white-ish stuff.  I don’t have a clue what any of this means.

OKAY. I’M DONE BEING GROSS! =)

So, with all these symptoms, M wanted me to get a PT yesterday, but I know it will be negative so I’m just totally against it.  Why waste my savings on PT’s when I can just wait to get my period in a few days? It’s a waste of money and a waste of stress!  I think PT’s are a COMPLETE waste, unless you’re not having a period for some reason.  If you’re still having a period and you can at least guess at the day it will likely come, why waste money on a PT?  Now OVT’s are definitely an investment if you’re trying to get pregnant. I hate the POAS routine, but it’s better than feeling like I’m not doing anything (aside from standing on my head and popping vitamins of course).

I know most of you are thinking “GO TO A DOCTOR, STUPID!!!”  I would, but I have financial assistance with my doctor, and you have to reapply every 90 days because assistance expires every three months.  My most recent visit fell on my 90-day deadline, so I had to reapply to see how much of my last visit I will have to pay out-of-pocket.  Once my financial assistance amount is decided (it’s a percentage, usually around 50%), then I can go back.  However, my FA only pays for visits/tests that are considered detrimental to my overall health.  It does not cover visits/tests that are solely IF related.  It will pay for a portion of my last visit because the doctor also saw me for other issues not related to IF.  It would pay for a portion of this visit about the discharge and heart-related symptoms because that is not directly related to IF.  However, anything directly related to IF will not be paid for by my FA and I will have to pay for that out-of-pocket.

With that in mind, does anyone know which route I should take?  Our doctor is resistant to the SA because M’s insurance won’t cover it.  How do I go about getting one done w/o our doctor? Does M need to see someone else?  Is there a way for us to choose the lab we use so that we can sort of “choose” our cost?  My doctor told me an SA can cost up to $700 but all of the blogs I read say they cost between $40-$300.  I can afford $200-$300 at the most right now. (Trying to save our budget for the heavy-duty stuff if we get into IF treatments.)

What is the first step for me to take if it turns out I’m the one who’s infertile?  All my friends who have any experience at all with IF say that Chlomid is the way to go.  Is that cheaper than other IF treatments?  What about this BeeFertile stuff that Joshua was talking about?  Is it safe? Is it effective?  How expensive is it?

Still feeling very lost here!  Maybe I will just be VERY VERY lucky and all these symptoms mean I am pregnant so I can just be done with all of this! Wouldn’t that be FABULOUS???